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Finding Myself and Losing Myself

I’ve been searching for myself again recently. I catch glimpses of me in others’ words and in my blog posts and what I feel. That wax and wain of self knowledge, understanding, and love seems something I should be used to already but I’m not. I often sit back and spend time envying others for their self-certainty.

But I can tell I turned a corner at some point this past winter. After I was medicated and calmer and clearer, I began to see myself. I focused intently on finding my worth in the world. And gradually I began to hear myself say I can. That was truly a breakthrough.

Finding Myself and Losing Myself on Shalavee.com

And then a month ago, quiet by surprise, I heard myself say “I love you” when you you do such and such. And I was shocked. And then I relistened and it was sincere. I shared this with a friend and she cried. This is a big deal.

I feel more positive, more capable. I am only pursuing tasks that make me happy and have cut out all the “I have to’s” . I listen daily and don’t overload myself with tasks and Spring feels like it is happening inside me as well as outside me. My relief and gratitude feel palpable and I’m turning back around and reinvesting in the creative endeavors that make me feel the happiest and most fulfilled. My blogging feels like it needs a big dose of respect so this is me giving it back to me and you.

And If you enjoyed what you read, subscribe, via the subscription box in the sidebar, to my thrice weekly posts via your emailbox. And visit me on Instagram to see my daily pictures, friend me or like my page on Facebook. Or come find me on Twitter or Pinterest too. I am always practicing Intentional Intouchness so chat at me please. I live for conversations.

And, as always, Thanks to you for your visit.

My Purposeful Life as Mother

I have long been frustrated with my fearful self. I’m so smart and so talented so need to make an impact on the world. Let everyone know who I am and what I know. And if I don’t, I’m a loser. It’s the smart girl’s sabotage. It’s the knife I perpetually hold to my throat.

And then the other day, Fiona and I were returning from the library, she ahead of me climbing the hill beside the steps, and I realized she was so deserving of the purpose she is for me. I devote and leave so much of my life open to her. I do not need the recognition. I just need her to take her fierce self out in the world and be happy.

My Purposeful Life as  Mother on shalavee.com

I believe that I am addicted to being unhappy with myself. I think many women are. But there isn’t one thing wrong with not wanting to overextend yourself. Wanting to be available for the people you love knowing that that availability is the implicit understanding of motherhood.

But I also know that we so often, so easily could use our motherly duties to abandon ourselves. Not pursue our creativity because they are so much more important. I will not condone modeling martyrdom for our children. I can say that I have battled and won a creativity entitlement and practice battle with myself in the years that I’ve had and been raising Fiona. She sees me indulging that constantly and she does too. But I also don’t have to capture the moon to know that my life is worthwhile.

And If you enjoyed what you read, subscribe, via the subscription box in the sidebar, to my thrice weekly posts via your emailbox. And visit me on Instagram to see my daily pictures, friend me or like my page on Facebook. Or come find me on Twitter or Pinterest too. I am always practicing Intentional Intouchness so chat at me please. I live for conversations.

And, as always, Thanks to you for your visit.

F*%ked up

You know, in many ways, I was less eff-ed up throughout my life than I thought I was. Understanding that much of my screwy self was created when I was little living in a dysfunctional family, I did well to come out with the drive to heal that I have. But in a few ways, I was a little more eff-ed up than I admitted I was. In fact, I think we all are. We’re all playing a grand game of “I’m Fine, See?”, but I’m not buying it.

Last year I was certain I was doing everything I possibly could to battle my anxiety. I have been in therapy always, I journal and confess, I read, I ruminate, and I witness with compassion my setbacks. Until suddenly, the fear monster overcame me and my heart was broken in my disbelief. And so I chose to do one more thing to find my way out. I asked for help.

F*%ked up on Shalavee.com

With my anti-anxiety meds, I suddenly felt “normal”. There was no more buzz of fear in my head. No more hum in the sound system that suggests a problem. And as thrilled as I was to no longer be suffering the daily doubt and need to fix me, I also felt like I had woken up in another country. When you think you know the language of life and suddenly you don’t. When it’s always hard and suddenly easy, you wait for the other shoe to drop.

Up to this point, I had been cultivating a theory on how increased creativity can decrease anxiety. Except, what I had truly experienced was that creativity couldn’t take care of the anxiety completely. I wanted it to but it wouldn’t. And I felt such doubt in what I had been working on up until then. So I have awaited a new perspective to allow me new understanding.

At the core, self-trust is what balances and battles anxiety. And however you gain that, that’s your personal answer. Whether it’s creativity, abstinence, habitual self-care, therapy, meditation, the powerful magic of tidying up even one drawer, medication, or any combination of these, the final goal is to be happy and to be less anxious. But what is so important is that we need to do whatever it takes regardless of the stigma f not being OK. Because that snobbish pride prevented me from being less anxious for a long time.

So I’ve decided I’ll go back to pieces and theories I’ve written and mull over what thoughts still resonate and what needs to be overhauled with my new perspective. Raging against the change will not stop it. All that’s left is to find a way to begin again. And then…begin again.

And If you enjoyed what you read, subscribe, via the subscription box in the sidebar, to my thrice weekly posts via your emailbox. And visit me on Instagram to see my daily pictures, friend me or like my page on Facebook. Or come find me on Twitter or Pinterest too. I am always practicing Intentional Intouchness so chat at me please. I live for conversations.

And, as always, Thanks to you for your visit.

Why I’m OK Teaching a Creativity Workshop

If I had a dime for every time I heard, “Oh Shalagh you are so creative”, I’d at least have five bucks. This became one of those phrases that made me twitch perhaps because I didn’t think of myself as having any kind of creative superpowers which was obvious to them but not to me, until it finally was. I think perhaps what they meant was they wished they knew the secret creative permission spell too.Why I'm OK Teaching a Creativity Workshop on Shalavee.com

Fast forward to the past several years when I intentionally indulged myself in creative challenges to gain creative confidence. I followed many of my creative curiosities until I finally owned that I was an Uber-creative. And I am beginning to understand that I believe in creative living aka Creativism as a way of life, one that is at odds with the consume and destroy mode of existence I see all too much of.

So if there is a purpose to my life, one of the facets seems to be sharing my creativity with others so that they too have permission to create.  To this end, I am offering a creativity workshop locally this Fall because I believe that everyone can benefit, and perhaps heal, from increased creativity in their lives.Why I'm OK Teaching a Creativity Workshop on Shalavee.com

Each of us looks to understand ourselves based on our interaction with the world. The advertising propaganda would have us believe conformity and possession would be our best safe bet to easy existence. But in fact, we crave to understand our uniqueness through our interactions. We long to be carefree, to be unique and yet connected to our community at the same time. We want self-confidence that comes from owning our own uniqueness and perspective. Not only are these human needs, they are only a few of the many benefits of creativity.

Somehow, as we become older, we conform to the idea that creativity will get us outcast from the tribe. That we need to focus only on the earning of money and security for our family. My hope is that by opening up a conversation with people, and consequently they with themselves, the tantalizing benefits will begin to tickle people slightly out of their fear zones so that they may try creativity in small bursts in their lives. A little creativity in one’s life is better than none. And the money people can save by ceasing to try to find themselves by spending rather than creating will make it an even more enticing proposition.Why I'm OK Teaching a Creativity Workshop on Shalavee.com

My final realization is that I don’t have to be a “professional” artist to legitimize my knowledge and experience around creativity. I can be a small “a” artist. I only need to acknowledge that I am creative and share what I feel and know to be my truth around this process as it relates to my growth and development as a more rounded human being. I can honestly say that the permission I have given myself to create has created a better happier more confident me. And that is a completely good thing.

And If you enjoyed what you read, subscribe, via the subscription box in the sidebar, to my thrice weekly posts via your email box. And visit me on Instagram to see my daily pictures, friend me or like my page on Facebook. Or come find me on Twitter or Pinterest  too. I am always practicing Intentional In-touchness so chat at me please. I live for conversations.

And, as always, Thanks to you for your visit.

 

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Join my Second Creativity Workshop Happening in November 2018

Last year in November of 2017, I conducted my first Creativity Workshop. My passion on the subject of creativity comes from my experience of uncovering my authentic self by respecting my inner creative needs. This was a very rewarding and enlightening experience for me and my attendees.

And this year, on November 10, I’m conducting the workshop again.

my second creativity workshop happening in November 2018 on Shalavee.com

The first Creativity Workshop wrap-up post can be found here. The people who came all recognized the importance of creativity in our lives but it was as if we all needed to hear this from one another to truly appreciate our own longings.

I wrote, “And I now understand the same fear that threatens to keep us from our truest and most authentic self is the same as that which keeps us from our most creative selves. I find this kind of knowledge is too juicy to keep to oneself. Because if you can separate yourself from your fear and feelings just long enough to make a better choice that makes you feel better, at least you know you have a choice.”

I have been called an Ambassador for Creativity and I think that’s flattering and true. We all deserve to enjoy the process of flow and finding out what we think of our worlds and ourselves separate from all the worry and to do lists. Consider joining our small group as we explore what creativity means to you.

The workshop will be held from 10 Am to 12:30 Pm at the Retreat House at Hillsboro at 22005 Church Street in Hillsboro, Maryland 21641. Seats are limited and Tickets are free and can be reserved by going to this site. There is a suggested donation and light refreshments will be provided.

I look forward to seeing you there!

And If you enjoyed what you read, subscribe, via the subscription box in the sidebar, to my thrice weekly posts via your emailbox. And visit me on Instagram to see my daily pictures, friend me or like my page on Facebook. Or come find me on Twitter or Pinterest too. I am always practicing Intentional Intouchness so chat at me please. I live for conversations.

And, as always, Thanks to you for your visit.

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