What I’ve been experiencing, this coming back to myself and my creativity, is like I’m attempting to reboot and recover my files after a power shutdown. In the old computer days, that was a big pain. Or like an earthquake hit my heart. As if I have to remove rubble to begin seeing myself again. And what I’ve just unearthed is Shame.
I have had some truly interesting ideas about creativity and anxiety. I’ve discovered so many lovely positive thoughts when I’ve devoted myself to my writing. I’ve got 10 years of stories about my growth and my creative life and my mothering both myself and my children.
And when I think about how I’ve devalued and forgotten all of this, I feel ashamed. I was inspirational until I wasn’t. And I let myself and others down again and again. Fear masquerading as shame is a pretty tricky maneuver. Kudos for the last-ditch effort Fear Mother, but I have to clear the path back to myself and my truths or my soul will continue to suffer.
So, this is what I know. First, to thine own self be true. If stepping down from my soapbox and mending my wounds was necessary, then so be it. I’m no good to anyone if I’m no good to myself.
Second, Life is organic. It ebbs and flows without any hard edges. There are no real boundaries that can’t be pushed or fudged.
And third, people are much more lovely than we give them credit for. They will forgive you for whatever wrongs you think you have committed even as they won’t to themselves. Borrowing their forgiveness and faith is part of the ideal of community that I stand for and want to create.
I’m continuing to clear away what no longer serves me in order that I may begin again to contemplate and express the very thoughts that earned me the lovely community I have. For you, I will begin again.
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