The Not Enoughs

I visited my therapist today and we spoke a lot about “The Not Enoughs”. I have a very intimate long-running relationship with them. And they show up a lot in my life and claim jurisdiction on everything from the way I feel about my body to my creative work. Perpetually harassing me with their proclaimed truthful judgments, I forever fall short.

My therapist asked how I was doing with my body image today. I said the Not Enoughs have been in there stomping around. I tried some of my Summer clothing on this past week and declared myself a failure because nothing fit. They suggest that the Noom plan I’m on isn’t cutting it and I should quit already. That’s what they always suggest and it’s never helpful so I declined.

The TNE’s are outside in the garden pointing out the unplanted plants and the unweeded beds. They are wearing white gloves in the bedroom shaking their heads. And they are in my craft room wondering loudly why my creative business endeavors are languishing in there.

The question my therapist posed is how would I define myself if I didn’t have the Not Enoughs hanging around like a cloak of doom. What would it take for me to let them go and define myself otherwise. What would it take to be safe enough to be enough? How can I stop nurturing the familiar wound and embrace thoughts of better more fulfilled living.

That is a very good question.

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Go Gently into May

After such an expanse of worry and weather, it’s so nice to find myself sitting outside with a warm breeze blowing, kinda sleepy, and wondering what I should write about. There’s boat motors humming in the river at the end of our property. The weeping willow is rustling in a very satisfactory way. And a blue jay is talking to himself.

There is nothing else I could want here. I am alone with the rush of the wind and the serenade of the mourning dove. Tickled by the breeze on my neck, the seagull out over the water talking trash. The airplane buzzling overhead like a great motorized bumble bee. The smell of flowers wafting past me.

“For fast-acting relief, try slowing down.”–Lily Tomlin

This is May. The month when things get busy. Piano recital, mother’s day, and second Covid-19 vaccinations. But also, it’s a gorgeous month to sit back and close your eyes and take a little cat nap like I just did. To stop the doing and just enjoy the being. It’s a choice. One that can be made from a gentle part of your heart and the tender part of your soul that allows you to just be.

So this is me just being on my back porch. Grateful for you and for me together now.

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My Now Normal and What’s to Come

I’m perhaps a little stunned that this year is feeling so much more normal.

The flower garden is growing and asking me for the attention that usually overwhelms me as we head into May, the super busy month. I’d like to have gotten more done before the heat wave hit but I’m hoping for some milder weather again to get outside. It’s a better normal.

However, thankfully I am not overbooked with duties as, like it or not, our life closets have been cleaned out of extraneous activities. And more happily still, personal projects that have been simmering for years on the back burner are about to come to a boil. We could all use that feeling of accomplishment you get when something dreamed of and hoped for comes to fruition.

We have a couple vacations planned, and a couple summer camps too, so that feels more like a normal year. And we’re planning a party to celebrate our 20^th wedding anniversary in October giving us and a lot of other people something to look forward to.

So I’m sitting with all of this wondering about how I can take it all in and let it all out and be a big better me all the while. To sit in that sweet spot where you know you are here doing exactly what you are meant to do. And to forgive yourself for ever having doubted.

Interested in reading my future thoughts on Creative Soul Living?

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And as always, thank you for your visit.