And It All Comes From Believing You Can’t

…Flashback to February 2023… Yesterday, I made some efforts and worked on my work and ended the day on a proud note. Easy for me to write but know how this particular action has been hung up in my head, and in my life, by my inaction from saying the very same thing to myself over and over again without doing the actual thing.

The Backstory of the previous months

You may or may not know, (in 2023) I had a pretty lousy holiday season which left me exhausted and spent. I was barely climbing out of that trauma and overwhelm in the beginning weeks of January. Gladly, I completed the required mandatory holiday undecorating work and set boundaries around my availability, so I didn’t need to jump and run as much. But I still wasn’t feeling my creative positive self.

I drone on endlessly in my journal about my lack of motivation. On January 16^th I wrote, “There’s my continuing niggle to get to work on something. I’m so dissociated from myself and my ‘work’, I need to do an archaeological dig to find myself again”.

But just because I claim my lack of motivation doesn’t mean I’ve cured it.

Whether you think you can, or

you think you can’t –

you’re right.”

        – Henry Ford–

I write many random and inspired notes in my journal about tasks and projects I could see myself starting. Enough notes to actually get a start. But I wasn’t starting. There was something stuck in my brain’s throat that was not allowing me to make that next step onward. And I think it was, “I Can’t”.

I can’t because… true to my life, something might happen that will halt all my plans again (taking a look at the possibility that I am in fact the master saboteur of my progress). Not happening because… I have no idea what I am talking about or what I think. Won’t get started because the children/husband/mother might need me. And not starting because I’ll inevitably end up here again where “I’m not excited about anything I’m working on or want to work on”.

All of this Can’ting is easy as it happens quickly in my brain and doesn’t require any follow up work. One and done!

Let’s map it all out, Shall we?

I felt myself getting savvy to all this nonsense the other night. I reminded myself of times when I’ve been purposed and proactive. That movement, even the smallest actions, makes me happier. And I recognized that I’d been picking on myself for this stagnation of late. Every day/week, it’s the same self-shame talk. You need to…why aren’t you? And I stopped then and said, let’s map it all out, shall we?

I had taken copious notes on all of these actions including the possible and the improbable and I guess I was waiting for it to outline and organize itself. So, yesterday morning, I showed up at my whiteboard in the craft room. This has historically become a black hole for uncompleted projects. And the longer the incomplete tasks stay up, the more shame there is. Until finally, I no longer want to go into my craft room where the all-telling whiteboard of doom resides.

I walked in there and I allowed myself to erase my past and start hoping for and organizing a future that represents joy and writing and community.

I stayed with myself and kept thinking about what I wanted to accomplish and how doable all this would be within a given time period. And in the end, I had switched the switch from Can’t to Can. Owning my new batch of ideas up on that board gave me new direction and the hope I needed right then. 

When I stay out of my craft room, I don’t connect with me and then I miss the feeling of purpose that writing and connection to my community gives me. I hope going forward, you will continue to check in on me and enjoy the projects and plans I’ve mapped out!  Do you relate to the avoidance of a place where you are reminded of what you are not doing? Do you feel your Can’ts are stealing you thunder? Want to hear me read this blog post? 

If you have any thoughts, please drop a word below in the comments. Or

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