Make the Space and See What Happens

I’ve been doing a lot of clearing in my life this past year. Being trapped at home makes the clutter become a little more annoying. And so I began to load out stuff. I got replacement stuff where necessary. And I also had a look at how cluttered my schedule was. And I relinquished roles and tasks that I had been bearing for a long time and no longer served me.

The fun thing is that when you make space in your life, you can recreate your surroundings and you can recreate yourself. If everything’s important, nothing’s important. So culling my choices honors me, a little wisdom from the Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up by Marie Kondo. And I do feel honored and more clear as I move into these physical and mental spaces to do my creative work.

Nothing kills creativity more than Shoulds and productivity. If you are lead by your interest and Joy, you will always find just the right thing to do in the right way. And if people feel taxing, they deserve less of your time too. Some people and voluntary work can just take more than it gives.

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Fighting the Scheduling

I have been having an ongoing conversation with my almost 16 year old about creating a relationship with his future. He cringes because he is very happy with living in his now, thank you very much. Why would I want to take him away from all the fun he’s having now by scheduling all the boring things he’ll be made to do in the future. And then I realized, I am doing the exact same thing.

I’ve been resisting scheduling stuff in my calendar. Stuff that seems to be adult stuff. I don’t want to act like a business professional and schedule my work hours within my day. I want to just find the time like I’ve been doing for all of the lockdown. Capturing magic moments within the bubble of our quarantined lives to create and commune and claim my joy, because Joy is my word of the year.

But I am also refusing to plan my meals. Because I should do it, it’s the very thing I don’t wanna do even if this scheduling will allow me even more free time and less stress when it comes to taking care of my family. And losing weight. Nope.

I’d much rather ride the creative wave when it strikes me. It feels so good to hammer out a meal and an essay when the mood hits. But this is not sustainable. An artist that waits for the muse to visit isn’t doing herself any favors. She needs to be awaiting the muse with a typewriter under her hands or loaded paintbrush in case the muse visits.

So how do you create a relationship with your future? You are dependable. You plan things that give you something to work for and look forward to. And those are the items that go on your schedule. If you get to that day and there’s no way you can, so be it. But if you can, you’ve already carved out time for it.

As for meals, even one day ahead of time is acceptable. I tend to like a list of my options up on the fridge to pick from. But I have to know I have everything I need to make this and avoid any extra trips to the store. And I also need a couple days when someone else “makes” the dinner.

So I opened up my datebook and I put in what I know I am doing. And then I can see time blocks where I know no small people will be bugging me. I put in a couple hours of work here and there especially since I am still writing blog posts for Tuesdays and Fridays. And I’m committing to going from there.

It’s process not production that I am trying to tweak here. Anyone else feel like this?

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Grow Where You Are Planted

After nearly a year of feeling the pinch of our collective sequestering, l’ve come to understand my ultimate importance.

I maintain my family and I care for myself.

The normalcy and the creativity are my realms.

We all need both of these to keep our sanity.

To feel that everything’s Okay in our tiny world but to also express our uniqueness.

To hear and feel ourselves getting in touch with our own inner voices.

That is what grounds me. Keeps me. Spurns me onward.

Because this isn’t about product.

This beautiful life we have a chance to live every day is about process.

And from a solid inspirational process comes products that exceed expectations.

Keep on Keeping on lovely people and honor yourselves for the lives you get to yet live.

Grow where you are planted.

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Self-Care, the Next Phase

Self-care is a multi-layered endeavor. Brushing your teeth, taking pills, and exercising are all basic bodily care practices that when we are new mothers, seem to be more than we can manage. But eventually we get those done too. I have taken the past twenty years to really delve into taking care of my mental health. To this end, I’ve had a therapist I see regularly, I’ve scheduled procedures to take care of the aches and pains in my body that weren’t normal, and I finally asked for an anti-anxiety medicine prescription.

I ask myself what else do I need to do to let me know I’m taking care of me? My inner child has begun to trust me and understand that even those things I really don’t feel like doing will make me feel better about myself soon enough. With the pandemic uprooting our family routines, I lost a bit of my self care rituals to fear. I had just begun to lose some unwanted weight, feeling pleased with myself, when lockdown happened. And I ended up putting that back on and then some. And the children being at home completely messed with any of my schedules to create and write for myself regularly.

So I began again. I asked to double up on my anti-anxiety meds. I spoke to my therapist about how I was refusing to let go of the clothing that didn’t fit in my closet but that made me unhappy. And she encouraged me to give myself permission to be where I was and how I was at this very moment. Which was enough for me to begin the next phase of my self care.

I cleared the closet out. One box of too small, next Fall clothes was made. Several bags of see ya’ later alligators were made. And a hopeful Spring/Summer set of clothing for 20 pounds lighter was stored into a chest of drawers.

There was something going on that I was doing in all the closets. I was letting go of things that no longer pertained to me or benefitted me. Old camcorders and snowpants, arm braces and shoes that no longer had a use were pitched without a thought. It was like I was tossing anchors that tied me to a past that I no longer was living. And on this purge’s heels, I came to another conclusion. There were people that I had previously said yes to that I needed to now say no to. I said no to volunteering realizing that I’d never have done that if the pandemic hadn’t shown me how I really wanted to live : without hurry and scurry. And I said no to taking care of my Mother in the way that became a deficit for me and felt as if I was being taken for granted.

I got my mammogram/booby squash. I got a shot for my trigger finger. I got my hair professionally dyed which felt like the best big-girl decision I have made in a long time because it looks amazing and it thickened my hair back up. I look like a rockstar in the morning and I love it. Then I went to get a procedure done and was tossed out of the operating room for high blood pressure. I thanked them for not killing me and I am on both medicine and and getting treated for the trauma with EMDR to desensitize me to the blood pressure cuff. And I am now doing the Noom food and psychology program which is exactly the way that I’m going to be able to use my brain to get through losing this weight and maintaining the weight loss further on.

And lastly I have begun to create and recognize my creativity since day one of 2021. I believe the number one medicine to cure what mentally ails is to create regularly. I am involved in the 100 Day Project creating pictures on 4 x 4 paper with watercolor pencils daily until sometime in April. And I am committed to writing blog posts twice a week. These changes have been gradual and I notice how much more confident I feel. I refuse to ask my kids to have permission to parent them. I work through the resistance around doing things and find the joy. And I am grateful to have the foresight and the skills to take care of myself well enough to model it for my children.

I hope that by describing all of this, others can take inspiration and hope from my self-care practices that are a little deeper and more necessary that just getting a pedicure. Speaking of which, I need to do that as well !

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Ah Do Do Do, Ah Da Da Da, S’all I Want to Say to You

Am I doing it right?

I dunno.

Am I doing it anyway, Yup!

This week is filled with anticipation of Autumn and all the cleaning and doing projects that seem to accompany the break in hot weather. Home and garden maintenance and cleaning. The windows look horrid. The bought potted perennials need planting. Things need painting.

The littlest child is returning to school on Thursday. Seems no one died from the virus this week in Maryland. She will be masked and I will be driving her to school. But it gives me some hope that this will all be a nightmare sooner than later. I need that space and time back in my days. She needs the connection with her people.

Mark and my wedding anniversary is today. We’ll hope to celebrate it this weekend. And then his birthday is coming. So much to be grateful for in these weird times.

I’ve been doing better with an anxiety med adjustment and am hoping to have great things come to fruition before the new year. There’s a bump I need to get over.

I am happily redecorating and replacing some pieces with new inexpensive finds and feel that this season will reflect a lot of positive change for all of us.

We just have to plant the seeds of hope.

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