What I haven’t explained is that at the same time I started this project, I was switching up on my anti-anxiety medicine. I was excited in fact to begin Wellbutrin instead of the Lexipro which I was certain had been the very reason I’d gained the weight and couldn’t get rid of it. Read the first story here. And the first Backstory here.
But wait, there’s more. I have a redundant colon (aka torturous colon) which is to say that I have 15 -20 extra feet of tubing inside me that can fill up with poo. Read about how I found out here. Often my belly is distended from this. And the amount of time I spend trying everything and anything to get my body to move it along is extraordinary. I cannot even explain the horror I have living with this condition that can even make me look pregnant.
I asked my doctor to give me a prescription to help me with this. I finally got it last week. And then yesterday, my bladder ached, as it can, from the crowding in my gut. I’m trying to figure out what symptoms are side effects of other medications, and which are just my body.
I stepped on the scale this morning with this information plus the knowledge of my off-roading a little with my diet for Mother’s Day and I was heavier than ever.
I shouldn’t have done that.
I lost it.
Understand that my previous medicine had my emotions so tamped down that I never cried. So this was the first cry I’ve had in years. O felt the frustration and fear of it all come crashing down on me. My daughter and my husband didn’t know what to do. I told him I wasn’t suicidal or anything. I just felt the overwhelm of being me in my body.
I know this all screams of humanity. Of not being in control of the circumstances. Of not having any faith. Of hopelessness. And I didn’t careen into the give-up ditch. I just felt the pain deeply and went for a walk/run. I went to the grocery store for the forgotten items from yesterday and I am home writing this.
And every day is an opportunity to choose again the path that suits you best. And for me , as Ralph Waldo Emerson said, the best way out is through. What else can I do?
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2 Comments
Just a thank you for your openness and vulnerability. Your courage is inspiring. <3
Thank you, Lauren, for letting me know this! I feel a little like a flaming train wreck sometimes, but I know that if I have been inspired by other women’s honesty, then this is something I must then pay forward. And it can be a little lonely doing so if it weren’t for your one voice telling me that it makes a difference. So again, thank you.
Love,
Shalagh