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I Have a Hard Time Believing

I have a hard time believing. Raised by anxious agnostics with low self-esteem and a Depression mindset of scarcity who betrayed me, I have a hard time believing.

In January, I started a dietary and awareness adjustment program called Noom. It’s a great program because it comes from a psychological perspective, which I love. The first question they ask and want you to answer “yes” to is, “Do you believe you can lose this weight?”. When I read that question last November, I knew I would change nothing during the holidays.

But in January, I returned to Noom and said that “I believed”. Skip forward to two months later and I haven’t lost a significant amount of weight. I haven’t gained any weight either. With the fluctuations in my weight due to my redundant colon, my body is irregular. And I keep remembering what they say about women’s metabolism in their 50s. Slow and slower and slothlike.

But I also know that quitting never yielded positive results except with my first marriage. So I have to sit with my discomfort around not believing in myself. I have to keep logging my food and keep exercising and yes, keep stepping on the scale.

I have a hard time believing that all my hard work will make a difference in many applications. That much of what I say or write is of no interest to others. That no matter how hard I try, my kids are gonna end up with some sort of addiction problem. That I’ll never live debt-free. But I have no choice but to keep going. And do so joyfully.

Because the one thing I do believe in is Joyful living. And Creative Soul Living.

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Change Nothing and Nothing Changes

What did you choose to do this morning. Your morning routing, is it set as something you just do without thinking? Do you like it or do you sometimes wish there was change. What about your evenings? Are you a person who stays up or sleeps? Do you eat crap at nighttime and wish you didn’t? Do you intentionally talk to loved ones, exercise, drink water, or read daily?

How much of what each of us does is rote habit? Wasn’t a habit once a choice that you repeated? And if this is true, what could you change in your life that would make the biggest difference? Why are you not asking yourself these questions? Why aren’t you allowed to change your choices?

I am in the process of challenging and changing some choices that I’ve been making. Choices about what I do with my body, put into my body, and commit my time to. In order for these choices to stick and be sustainable, I need to be slow, steady, and intentional about introducing them. And I also need places and people to be accountable to like groups and coaches.

They say any day, any moment is a good one to start over. I agree.

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I am a community kinda person and am always practicing Intentional Intouchness.

I live for conversations.

And, as always, Thanks to you for your visit.

I Refuse to Feel Ashamed

I spent all last year in an “unhappy with my body” place. I could not accept that I had gained back weight I had previously lost, even though I had given myself permission to eat with gleeful abandon for the Holidays prior. And so I struggled with my esteem, my exercise routine, and my eating and drinking all through the year. But mostly, I silently hated myself for no longer fitting into my clothing and having to buy a new wardrobe of leggings and over-sized shirts.

This year, I chose to give myself the same permission during the holidays to enjoy myself. And of course, I already had the stretchy wardrobe so whatever. And I knew I’d expanded that much more afterwards. However this year, based on my word “And”, I decided I was to give myself permission to be where I am and to work towards the change that I would be proud of.

Shame can be one feeling that keeps us stuck. We feel ashamed of our bodies, our socioeconomic class, our families, and our homes. We have images in our minds of how “normal” people should live and look and act and anything detouring from that image makes us fear disapproval and feel shame. But this is such crap. 

So I decided to take my burgeoning body to the gym in my too tight clothing and just not choose to feel ashamed. After all, I’m there right? I’m in the classes keeping up with everyone so therefore, why would I feel ashamed. And it’s my opinion that anyone that would wish me to feel shame is truly an unkind frightened person themselves. I bring a smile and a laugh to the classes and that is a blessing to all of us.

And If you enjoyed what you read, subscribe, via the subscription box in the sidebar, to my thrice weekly posts via your emailbox. And visit me on Instagram to see my daily pictures, friend me or like my page on Facebook. Or come find me on Twitter or Pinterest too. I am always practicing Intentional Intouchness so chat at me please. I live for conversations.

And, as always, Thanks to you for your visit.

Another Day, Another Sinus Infection

I have what is termed chronic sinusitis. A have a whopping good amount of allergies. When that got added to an undiagnosed deviated septum which only got operated on not two years ago,  I suffered numerous sinus infections in a year. When it’s really bad, it feels like I have dirt packed into my forehead. And I can hear the little bacterium multiplying as a clicking noise in my face.

Years later, I’m receiving weekly allergy shots and, even though I get way less infections in a year, I always feel a little scared when I get one because multiple antibiotics have failed on me. Imagine, if you get to the doctor’s office after you already start hurting, it still takes two days for the antibiotic to kick in. And imagine there’s a weekend stuck in there and then you call the doctor’s office back to let them know it’s not working and they never get back to you. That was my story this year.

I have had this sinus infection for almost three weeks (which doesn’t top the one I had from Thanksgiving to Valentine’s Day one year). I’ve had two antibiotics fail on me which I will make double darn sure are noted in my chart. And when I visited the doctor’s office in person for the second day in a row, I got an unexpected surprise:

An Apology from the office manager.Another Yer, another sinus infection on Shalavee.com

I got a new prescription on the spot for the antibiotic that I knew would work. Everyone was was mortified. I assured them that I was used to this and that I wasn’t mad, just looking froward to not having a sinus headache.

I get to the point where I think it’s my problem. Like I’m doing something wrong. Am I a hypochondriac? No, that pain means something. I was so proud of myself for continuing to advocate for myself as I fell through their system’s cracks. And that we all proved human after all was such a relief. A further snaffu with an order for a mammogram was straightened out and I have my booby squashing to look forward to too.

I have always been an advocate for my physical and mental health. I understand my body now so much better than I ever did. And I chose recently to change my primary care doctor because I would like a woman as I move into my menopausal years. I have committed to always following the breadcrumbs to my wellness. No one else cares or is as affected by it as much as me. Except maybe my family as they suffer when I suffer.

And If you enjoyed what you read, subscribe, via the subscription box in the sidebar, to my thrice weekly posts via your emailbox. And visit me on Instagram to see my daily pictures, friend me or like my page on Facebook. Or come find me on Twitter or Pinterest too. I am always practicing Intentional Intouchness so chat at me please. I live for conversations.

And, as always, Thanks to you for your visit.

Occupying Your Body

Having gone to every doctor to have every pain checked out, I finally was comfortable with reengaging in some true working out at the YMCA. I have been taking a weight-lifting class to tone up my belly as well as my upper body. And I have noticed an interesting shift in how I feel inside my body.

When I stopped running and was going through getting my aches taken care of, the pains made me scared. I feared what it meant or how bad it was, and that sort of thing makes you avoid doing things that would cause any more pain. Problem with that is that the pounds pile on an immobile butt quickly. And the extra weight just causes more problems.

After knowing I wasn’t going to hurt myself anymore, I began to commit to many reps but low weights. My muscles began to tone up. Whereas before I was moving my body mass around avoiding the pain, I now occupy my body and can feel it moving. I am holding myself strong and tall and proudly.

If I am stuck with this body for the rest of my life, there are a few things that I want to make sure I can do for the duration. Stand tall, squat over a toilet, and not pee my pants. Each of these endeavors requires certain exercises that very quickly create the strong body you want. I feel like we should all be proud of ourselves for the way we take care of us. And this will keep us happy and independent just that much longer.

And If you enjoyed what you read, subscribe, via the subscription box in the sidebar, to my thrice weekly posts via your emailbox. And visit me on Instagram to see my daily pictures, friend me or like my page on Facebook. Or come find me on Twitter or Pinterest too. I am always practicing Intentional Intouchness so chat at me please. I live for conversations.

And, as always, Thanks to you for your visit.

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