Make the Space and See What Happens

I’ve been doing a lot of clearing in my life this past year. Being trapped at home makes the clutter become a little more annoying. And so I began to load out stuff. I got replacement stuff where necessary. And I also had a look at how cluttered my schedule was. And I relinquished roles and tasks that I had been bearing for a long time and no longer served me.

The fun thing is that when you make space in your life, you can recreate your surroundings and you can recreate yourself. If everything’s important, nothing’s important. So culling my choices honors me, a little wisdom from the Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up by Marie Kondo. And I do feel honored and more clear as I move into these physical and mental spaces to do my creative work.

Nothing kills creativity more than Shoulds and productivity. If you are lead by your interest and Joy, you will always find just the right thing to do in the right way. And if people feel taxing, they deserve less of your time too. Some people and voluntary work can just take more than it gives.

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Creativity Couldn’t Cure Me

I’m known as an ambassador to creativity. I firmly believe in the soul altering powers of honoring and co-creation with your muse. I also really wanted to believe that creativity was the way out of my anxiety. But as hard as I tried, I just couldn’t quell my anxieties with my creativity. That’s a simplified version of the long and painful anxiety filled process. I wanted to Fix myself with my creativity.

I thought if only I could begin making art on a regular basis, I would increase my self-trust and esteem enough to shove my anxieties into the back seat. But as I pushed through with holding a workshop on creativity, I had a horrible panic attack and admitted I just wasn’t moving forward.

But even when I finally asked my doctor for an anti-anxiety medicine, I stayed mad as a hornet that creativity hadn’t cured me. My expected outcome was going to make my uber-creativity my super power and exonerate me from all my imperfect anxiety. I should have been happy that I had found a way out of my anxieties but I just felt mad creativity hadn’t cured me.

I didn’t throw out the creativity baby with the bathwater. I have continued to practice making. I have come to treasure the lack of constant anxiety in my life and I think I am even more devoted to my creativity.

Perhaps I just wanted that outcome so badly, like wanting my divorced parents to reunite, that it would inevitably fail. Maybe creativity is too precious to ask for it to be or do anything but bring joy. We shouldn’t ask our creativity to lift the heavy burdens. Make it responsible for our sanity or our livelihood. But only to continue to keep up in touch with who we truly are and what brings us joy.

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Today I am Grateful For …

Here’s how you prove that your life is pretty good.

You get grateful. Instead of choosing to complain, you stop and you find something that you are grateful for.

Today I am grateful for…

The little one eyed cat who has delighted and comforted us for the past year.

Who knew one soul could bring such levity to life?

My new expensive vacuum.

The birdsong and the smell of the flowers!

The federal aid money.

The business returning to Mark’s company as people begin to plan their weddings.

Hope.

Friends who show me who I really am.

Good Health for me and my family.

Permission from me to express myself creativity.

Talent that improves with practice.

A husband and kids who are as devoted to me as I am to them.

A small town to heal within.

A future.

Amen.

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Gardening of Your Soul

Kneeling on a chair cushion yesterday jamming dirt under my nails as I pulled weeds from my brick walkway, I had one of those garden/life analogies. While the grass clumps came out rather easily sometimes leaving a worm suddenly homeless, the dandelions dared me to yank them. Their tap roots going deeply down between those bricks threatening to leave some of themselves behind.

I have worked hard to recover myself and unwind my inner bits from my childhood traumas. I’ve been in counseling a good portion of my life and credit that for the majority of that work. But sometimes there are bits of roots left and broken off deep down that will not come easily but can not be left. For those, I requested and received medication and asked to do EMDR therapy.

I don’t think my consciousness will ever be completely weed free. But I can say that that garden is worth fighting for because we live there everyday and all of our choices and thoughts are filtered through that garden. By being aware of the nasty weeds others were responsible for planting and digging them up by the roots, you have a chance at being the happiest best version of yourself you can be.

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Chosen and Unchosen Changes

I’ve noticed how I feel differently about my life as we pass the one year anniversary of the beginning of the pandemic of 2020. I feel a lot calmer. How did that happen? Because changes happened, both by choice and by time.

I found myself saying no to a string of requests for my time recently. While I made this choice to say no, it has been the time I have spent not doing much of what I used to do that showed me that this is the way I really want to live. I don’t want to rush around anymore feeling overwhelmed with obligations and appointments.

I realized today that, whereas I freaked out when all these people (my family), usually gone during the weekdays, were suddenly in my house in my way demanding stuff of me, I now don’t mind them as much. I have begun to say no more to them too. I can create boundaries enough to have time to myself and sometimes they even leave! Twice last week I noticed we were all in the same room at the same time by choice!

And I finally got so sick of being sick of my body that I have now returned to the YMCA three times a week for exercise classes. I’ve missed the camaraderie in those classes. This feels like normal again. And I’d say we’ve all earned a little normal back.

Interested in reading my future thoughts on Creative Soul Living?

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I love community, soulful candid conversation, and being in touch.

And as always, thank you for your visit.