As children, we are astutely aware of which grown-ups are showing up for us and which ones are full of shite. Showing up looks like just that; being present, listening to you, understanding you, and seeing you as you are. Attending the big moments and being available for the smaller ones. In my childhood, there weren’t a whole lot of people showing up for me. I learned self- abandonment early.
As an adult, I am aware that the person who I need most to show up for me is myself. Yet, I’ve lived this history of repeatedly giving up on myself. When I felt like I was “making progress”, something traumatic would happen and I would pull all the plugs and inevitably forget myself. I would eventually think I needed to start all over again. Again, and again and again.
With almost daily and prolific journaling, I have ripped through two journals in the month of January, ’24. Writing out everything that I consider as I make different choices to take care of myself. I again noticed that I repeatedly speak about “starting”. Over and over.
How To Actually Start Over
I think starting over for me looks like more showing up for myself to write, create, and then share and ask people to engage with me, follow me, sign up for me, and see me. That’s a lot of doing to start all at once. So, I do what makes me excited and let the excitement do the heavy lifting.
Because I’ve always believed that showing up wins you the opportunity to make magic happen.
Over and over, I’m begging myself to get through my fear of visibility and show up. And I finally did this week when I went to the craft room to begin to play with ideas for the upcoming 100-day project. Two days in a row and I feel the pull to see what else I can get up to.
This process needs to be fun. It can’t be a commandment, a should from the overly industrious parent. This has to feel like the creative part of me is initially in charge. I have to love what I’ve made in order to be jazzed to share it. And that is how I’ve been feeling. Because I’ve always believed that showing up wins you the opportunity to make magic happen.
Difficult times, like when I feel the obstacles to my happiness and my unbridled creativity, will find me resourcing my butt off. What is the one small thing I need to do? And in this case, it’s showing up for myself. So, I hesitantly scheduled craft room time into my calendar. If I show up and the muse is there, all the better. There’s a smelly candle there and lovely little gifts from people I love. There’s a heater by my left leg and there’s me sitting there showing up for me.
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