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Currently Browsing: Self-Discovery

My Now Normal and What’s to Come

I’m perhaps a little stunned that this year is feeling so much more normal.

The flower garden is growing and asking me for the attention that usually overwhelms me as we head into May, the super busy month. I’d like to have gotten more done before the heat wave hit but I’m hoping for some milder weather again to get outside. It’s a better normal.

However, thankfully I am not overbooked with duties as, like it or not, our life closets have been cleaned out of extraneous activities. And more happily still, personal projects that have been simmering for years on the back burner are about to come to a boil. We could all use that feeling of accomplishment you get when something dreamed of and hoped for comes to fruition.My Now Normal and What's to Come on Shalavee.com

We have a couple vacations planned, and a couple summer camps too, so that feels more like a normal year. And we’re planning a party to celebrate our 20th wedding anniversary in October giving us and a lot of other people something to look forward to.

So I’m sitting with all of this wondering about how I can take it all in and let it all out and be a big better me all the while. To sit in that sweet spot where you know you are here doing exactly what you are meant to do. And to forgive yourself for ever having doubted.

 

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Ruminating on the Wrongs in My Life

Searching for that indisputable unshakeable truth that l am the shit verses I am shit.

I have been paying attention to the very wrongest things.

So easy to stay in the judgment pit and ruminate on the wrongs in my life, my house, and my body especially.

Caught up in what’s wrong with me, there’s no way to move on. And then I keep making the same choices based on the hiccup of knowing I am worthless.

But to see the infinite possibilities and opportunities and to feel worthy of those, that’s living. The kind of living that for some of us takes a miraculous faith to move towards, forwards especially for those who have never been shown this option, never considered our worthiness for a hopeful way of life .

If it were a given I would end up successful, what would I do differently? Maybe I’d just do what made me happy because I’d already know it was going to be successful.

 

Interested in reading my future thoughts on Creative Soul Living?

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I love community, soulful candid conversation, and being in touch.

And as always, thank you for your visit.

Creativity Couldn’t Cure Me

I’m known as an ambassador to creativity. I firmly believe in the soul altering powers of honoring and co-creation with your muse. I also really wanted to believe that creativity was the way out of my anxiety. But as hard as I tried, I just couldn’t quell my anxieties with my creativity. That’s a simplified version of the long and painful anxiety filled process. I wanted to Fix myself with my creativity.

I thought if only I could begin making art on a regular basis, I would increase my self-trust and esteem enough to shove my anxieties into the back seat. But as I pushed through with holding a workshop on creativity, I had a horrible panic attack and admitted I just wasn’t moving forward.

But even when I finally asked my doctor for an anti-anxiety medicine, I stayed mad as a hornet that creativity hadn’t cured me. My expected outcome was going to make my uber-creativity my super power and exonerate me from all my imperfect anxiety. I should have been happy that I had found a way out of my anxieties but I just felt mad creativity hadn’t cured me.Creativity Couldn't Cure Me on Shalavee.com

I didn’t throw out the creativity baby with the bathwater. I have continued to practice making. I have come to treasure the lack of constant anxiety in my life and I think I am even more devoted to my creativity.

Perhaps I just wanted that outcome so badly, like wanting my divorced parents to reunite, that it would inevitably fail. Maybe creativity is too precious to ask for it to be or do anything but bring joy. We shouldn’t ask our creativity to lift the heavy burdens. Make it responsible for our sanity or our livelihood. But only to continue to keep up in touch with who we truly are and what brings us joy.

Interested in reading my future thoughts on Creative Soul Living?

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I love community, soulful candid conversation, and being in touch.

And as always, thank you for your visit.

Gardening of Your Soul

Kneeling on a chair cushion yesterday jamming dirt under my nails as I pulled weeds from my brick walkway, I had one of those garden/life analogies. While the grass clumps came out rather easily sometimes leaving a worm suddenly homeless, the dandelions dared me to yank them. Their tap roots going deeply down between those bricks threatening to leave some of themselves behind.

I have worked hard to recover myself and unwind my inner bits from my childhood traumas. I’ve been in counseling a good portion of my life and credit that for the majority of that work. But sometimes there are bits of roots left and broken off deep down that will not come easily but can not be left. For those, I requested and received medication and asked to do EMDR therapy.gardening the soul on Shalavee.com

I don’t think my consciousness will ever be completely weed free. But I can say that that garden is worth fighting for because we live there everyday and all of our choices and thoughts are filtered through that garden. By being aware of the nasty weeds others were responsible for planting and digging them up by the roots, you have a chance at being the happiest best version of yourself you can be.

Interested in reading my future thoughts on Creative Soul Living?

Enter your name into the subscription box in the sidebar to the right and subscribe to my bi-weekly posts via your emailbox.

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I love community, soulful candid conversation, and being in touch.

And as always, thank you for your visit.

I Have a Hard Time Believing

I have a hard time believing. Raised by anxious agnostics with low self-esteem and a Depression mindset of scarcity who betrayed me, I have a hard time believing.

In January, I started a dietary and awareness adjustment program called Noom. It’s a great program because it comes from a psychological perspective, which I love. The first question they ask and want you to answer “yes” to is, “Do you believe you can lose this weight?”. When I read that question last November, I knew I would change nothing during the holidays.

But in January, I returned to Noom and said that “I believed”. Skip forward to two months later and I haven’t lost a significant amount of weight. I haven’t gained any weight either. With the fluctuations in my weight due to my redundant colon, my body is irregular. And I keep remembering what they say about women’s metabolism in their 50s. Slow and slower and slothlike.

But I also know that quitting never yielded positive results except with my first marriage. So I have to sit with my discomfort around not believing in myself. I have to keep logging my food and keep exercising and yes, keep stepping on the scale.

I have a hard time believing that all my hard work will make a difference in many applications. That much of what I say or write is of no interest to others. That no matter how hard I try, my kids are gonna end up with some sort of addiction problem. That I’ll never live debt-free. But I have no choice but to keep going. And do so joyfully.

Because the one thing I do believe in is Joyful living. And Creative Soul Living.

Interested in reading my future thoughts on Creative Soul Living?

Enter your name into the subscription box in the sidebar to the right and subscribe to my bi-weekly posts via your emailbox.

Find me on Instagram to view my daily pictures,

friend me or like my page on Facebook.

I love community, soulful candid conversation, and being in touch.

And as always, thank you for your visit.

 

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