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Currently Browsing: Self-Discovery

Reframe Your Slow: By Choice or By Force ?

Two women I know from my online community, and for whom I have great respect, both spoke in their newsletters about how they felt twitchy about feeling slowed down and awaiting things. The global trend to embrace the slow life as a way of living sounds so lovely but it’s a whole other thing to feel forced to slow down. Anna Lovind, the teacher of my Creative Doer course, said,

I find it incredibly frustrating to not be able to create swift change the way I’m used to. But maybe slow is what I can handle right now”.

Reframe Your Slow: By Choice or By Force ? on Shalavee.com

To have children who’s needs you have to negotiate and to be in search of a new home are real stress factors that she and many people have to deal with on top of global pandemic problems. Honoring where we are will help us move on.

Michelle GD of Michellegd.com was speaking about impatiently awaiting her cosmos flowers to bloom. And when they finally did, she pondered,

“I feel like there’s some kind of message for me, tucked into these late-blooming cosmos. Some message about allowing for surprises, or maybe a message about being patient. Though what if the feathery cosmos stalks hadn’t ever bloomed?? Well, I think the message would be the same: allowing for surprises, or maybe being patient. Also, maybe there isn’t a message.”

The messages are what we translate them to be. And if deep down we wish for more patience and more space to think and create, we need to honor that. That might be slowing down we need to do for ourselves that has nothing to do with the outside world. This whisper may speak to honoring our being instead of our doing.

Reframe Your Slow: By Choice or By Force ? on Shalavee.com

Michelle ended her newsletter with this quote,

Expect nothing. Live frugally on surprise.” –Alice Walker–

Expectations will mess with you every time. But there’s one thing I have discovered from my slowed down life: you have to plant the seed for the idea or project or plant to grow. It may grow on it’s own terms but it needs to be started and nurtured. Life is born of intention.

You have to plant the seed and nurture it with hope for it to grow at all.

And If you enjoyed what you read, subscribe, via the subscription box in the sidebar, to my thrice weekly posts via your emailbox. And visit me on Instagram to see my daily pictures, friend me or like my page on Facebook. Or come find me on Twitter or Pinterest too. I am always practicing Intentional Intouchness so chat at me please. I live for conversations.

And, as always, Thanks to you for your visit.

I Carry the Shame

I carry the shame

Of the impoverished upbringings of my parents. Abuse and neglect. I can’t wear stained or torn of illfitting clothes when I leave the house. We don’t do that.

I carry the shame 

Of the unwanted weight on my body.

Not maintaining my appeal for men and equally, for caring what anyone thinks of me, especially men.

I carry the shame 

Of not fixing my anxiety

Of passing it on to my child

Of not being enough.

I carry the shame 

Of staying stuck

Of not rising, using my talents for more.

Of not burning brightly like they all say I can.

I live my shame within my large body 

In the darkness of pain and of blame.

It is embodied in my name.

 

And If you enjoyed what you read, subscribe, via the subscription box in the sidebar, to my thrice weekly posts via your emailbox. And visit me on Instagram to see my daily pictures, friend me or like my page on Facebook. Or come find me on Twitter or Pinterest too. I am always practicing Intentional Intouchness so chat at me please. I live for conversations.

And, as always, Thanks to you for your visit.

Pandemics Happen and then Everything Goes to CBD Oil

In the beginning of the year, I was doing pretty great. I was exercising regularly, losing my Christmas weight gain, writing an essay that I knew would be published, and had some routine going. And then the Pandemic happened. I didn’t implode immediately but the decline of my “self” life was inevitable.

I’ve spent a lifetime giving upon myself. It’s what I grew up with. I’m kinda not worth the effort. I then revert to taking care of others mode. It’s a pattern especially in Summer time. It’s easier to focus on all the household tasks and family needs then try to muster up the structure, time, and separation that I need to take care of me. I give up. It smacks of effort.

The result of this year with the increased pandemic induced anxiety and lack of deeper self-care, is that I’m not feeling my best. I’m heavier than I’ve ever been, out of shape, and can’t seem to initiate any routines. I’ve thought about them but I’m just not worth the effort.

Even with CBD gummies and anti-depressants, there’s no quick cure for low self-esteem. That is an ingrained concept of self that is a lifetime battle. I feel like the self-system that shows my worth with organization and priorities for my time and efforts for myself is knitted with yarn. And it’s unraveling is destined. Because that’s what I’ve decided.Pandemics Happen and then Everything Goes to CBD Oil on Shalavee.com

There’s no quick cure for this. Climbing out of this hole requires conscious effort. Support and witnessing. Intention and insight. These aren’t easily come by when you’ve spent a lifetime doing the opposite. And then I think of my daughter and what she needs to have modeled for her. And as much as I want to fall in a hole, that really isn’t an option.

I need to give her ways to show up for herself when she’s scared. I need to give her these with authority and knowing. I need to model what I didn’t have modeled for me. Because that’s part of what I am here to do. My destiny as it is, was handed to me when she was born. I can not stomach the idea of her giving up on herself.

And so I begin again within the constructs of what I am living. This morning as she sleeps, I write this confession. And know it means something.

And If you enjoyed what you read, subscribe, via the subscription box in the sidebar, to my thrice weekly posts via your emailbox. And visit me on Instagram to see my daily pictures, friend me or like my page on Facebook. Or come find me on Twitter or Pinterest too. I am always practicing Intentional Intouchness so chat at me please. I live for conversations.

And, as always, Thanks to you for your visit.

How My Feelings Freak You Out and What to Do About It

As you know, I truly disregard other’s judgment of my expression of feelings here. This space has always held safety for me. Even when I’ve been attacked, I still know that I am entitled to be honest about me. I sometimes think I should be more so.

And what I’ve come to realize is that not only do people truly not understand that it’s Okay to be not Okay, they think that my expression of self-doubt or fear to be me is somehow a reflection of instability. After all, who thinks this is Okay?

I Do.

In fact, if we were all to admit our self-doubts, our humanity more to one another without assuming that person is funny farm material, we might get to route of some of our problems more quickly. But instead, people are horrified at my humanity. It must mean something awful has happened to me.How My Feelings Freak You Out and What to Do About It on Shalavee.com

Am I considering self-harm? Bahahaha hahahaha! I have never gone there and don’t plan to. Or maybe my anxieties just play into others’ anxieties and they can’t read what I write without being triggered into anxiety. I get that. Maybe my husband has driven me to it? He’s the funniest kindest man I’ve ever met so, no.

I find it sad that we are so clammed up with our feelings that we can’t even recognize and value honesty as just that. If we find compassion for one another and our expression of pain, it may help us find compassion for our own pain. That’s apparently not an option. But I wish it was. So I’ll continue to confess my feelings. And your choice of how to respond is yours to do what you want.

And If you enjoyed what you read, subscribe, via the subscription box in the sidebar, to my thrice weekly posts via your emailbox. And visit me on Instagram to see my daily pictures, friend me or like my page on Facebook. Or come find me on Twitter or Pinterest too. I am always practicing Intentional Intouchness so chat at me please. I live for conversations.

And, as always, Thanks to you for your visit.

Calling the Shame to the Table

What is it about me and absolutes? I need to be all in or all out. If it’s worth doing, it’s worth doing right. SO many contingencies which completely permit me to opt out of stuff that I really “should” be doing.

Here’s some that have been rumbling around making me dizzy.

If you fail to plan, you plan to fail.

Do I find my true voice so that I can be a writer or

Do I write to find my true voice?

If I fail to start, I fail. If I start to fail, I started.

Our fear is very trixsy. It knows everything we know and can use our best and worst moments against us. For years, and I mean for years and years, I have made promises to myself to branch out and take chances with my writing. While I am completely comfortable with my nakedness here on my blog, I have not caught the updraft to sail into the larger world.

This is a great source of shame for me, as much as my weight gain from the pandemic lockdown. And shame is our worst captor. She works closely with Fear finding ways to make you comply and “stay safe”. I abhor that phrase. My safety makes me ashamed and that’s why I’m telling on myself. I want to release myself from this horrid prison.

Calling the Shame to the Table on Shalavee.com

I don’t know the right way to start.

I have nothing to say and have never done anything interesting.

I don’t need the hassle of the worry and the fret.

Nothing ventured, nothing lost.

Every day is a good day to start again.

Shame is a sh**show.

And accountability is everything.

I will give you my secret shame and you can hold onto it. I don’t want it anymore.

And I’ll do the same for you if you need me to.

And If you enjoyed what you read, subscribe, via the subscription box in the sidebar, to my thrice weekly posts via your emailbox. And visit me on Instagram to see my daily pictures, friend me or like my page on Facebook. Or come find me on Twitter or Pinterest too. I am always practicing Intentional Intouchness so chat at me please. I live for conversations.

And, as always, Thanks to you for your visit.

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