Struggling today with a familiar feeling of anger over fighting for what I need to take care of me. Wanting to translate others’ lack of support for me as me being unworthy to receive it. As a person with low self-esteem, it can be a struggle to ask for the care I need. Being sick or needy isn’t that acceptable. But when I do ask and meet with opposition to my self-care, that is more upsetting. Why does your lack of support trigger my unworthiness?
I’ve had a runny nose for almost a month now. It began with a head cold as soon as we began our Ireland trip. I thought, I must be allergic to Ireland. Nah, it’s just a nose cold. I got another right after that which became a sinus infection as it’s apt to do in my head. Where I once had chronic sinus problems, I don’t get these infections as often after I had sinus surgery to correct a deviated septum which prevented drainage.
I went to my nurse practitioner and asked for an antibiotic warning her that I had had these fail for me previously. She prescribed something that sounded good. But as the prescription has ended and I can still feel the infection in my head, I requested a heftier antibiotic. The nurse called me back and said the NP was on vacation and she grilled me about my symptoms and then said she would see if the other doctor would agree to that.
Doubt roars up. Am I wrong, am I some sort of hypochondriac? Someone opposes me and suddenly I turn it inward? This must mean that I am unworthy of asking for help. Mother may I? No you may not.
I know my body and I am trying to take care of it and someone says they don’t believe me. When I pay for any service and am made to feel like I am a burden for requesting attention, these feelings come up about how I used to not take very good care of myself. How I never used to speak up. And now I am and this is how it goes?
If I am refused the care that I’ve requested, I will ask that they note in my records that I asked and was denied the help. And my NP and I will have a talk about this on my next visit.
I have another doctor that I can ask for help which is something I’d especially like to receive before the holiday weekend. I once had a sinus infection that lasted for at least a month because I wasn’t prescribed the correct antibiotic and I dread that ever happening again.
Self-care is hard enough without being opposed as I am performing it.
Does this story ring any bells in your world?
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