Kneeling on a chair cushion yesterday jamming dirt under my nails as I pulled weeds from my brick walkway, I had one of those garden/life analogies. While the grass clumps came out rather easily sometimes leaving a worm suddenly homeless, the dandelions dared me to yank them. Their tap roots going deeply down between those bricks threatening to leave some of themselves behind.
I have worked hard to recover myself and unwind my inner bits from my childhood traumas. I’ve been in counseling a good portion of my life and credit that for the majority of that work. But sometimes there are bits of roots left and broken off deep down that will not come easily but can not be left. For those, I requested and received medication and asked to do EMDR therapy.
I don’t think my consciousness will ever be completely weed free. But I can say that that garden is worth fighting for because we live there everyday and all of our choices and thoughts are filtered through that garden. By being aware of the nasty weeds others were responsible for planting and digging them up by the roots, you have a chance at being the happiest best version of yourself you can be.
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I can remember being very impatient with the way the seasons would take their time to move on. It seemed like an infinity to wait before Spring would arrive. I feel very differently now at twice the age. I like how long Winter takes because I don’t have as much to be responsible for while it’s cold out.
But once the sun begins to shine and the windows open up, I’m screwed. Because suddenly there’s Spring cleaning to do since the beautiful new sunlight angles are showing me exactly where I’ve been missing all Winter. And now I have to hustle outside and clean up, seed, plant, and replant everything in the garden everywhere.
I have no plan so I panic. And what if I don’t get the seeds in quickly enough? And now I have all the outside life to be responsible for besides the indoor life. So that every beautiful day, if I’m not going to spend it outside gardening feels like I’m wasting it. Gardening doesn’t start off so well for me emotionally.
Eventually I’ll enjoy it. I’ll be proud of something or another. But in the meantime, I’m thinking of calling in a few favors and hiring some help. Windows and woodwork and bathroom cleaning isn’t my idea of joyful time spent. And I’m a Virgo so don’t even ask me to ignore all this dirt. Just encourage me to rethink how I’m going to get all the work done.
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Missed posting this morning bright and early because the Garden Party happened. I took a long walk as the weather had broken and other than the fact that my feet hurt, it was a glorious walk.
All the cottages in town looked proud and festive. The dappling of the Summer light through the trees was so enticing. And in the cacophony of cicada and cricket song from the trees to the meadow, I heard the lullaby of lazy days to come.
Crabapple tree
I owe you a garden and garden party post and now that I have time to do that, I’ll do that.
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Since
I had Fiona, I have been unable to regain my gardening mojo. The very
thing that brought me to buy a house, dirt to plant a garden in, had
become a burden I was buried under. Looking every year at my
overgrown garden overwhelmed and depressed me.
Last
year, I made a charitable donation and received a garden
consultation. And this spurred me into enthusiastic gardening action
that I hadn’t felt in a while. I head “I could” again.
I
worked on a couple beds last Summer. And this year, I’ve picked back
up where I left off. I recently ordered some more charitable plants
and with the onset of lovely Spring weather, I set about clearing the
section under my weeping cherry tree where I plan to plant them all.
I
can use anything to make me feel bad about me . My undisciplined
kids, my unruly garden, my messy house, or my stuck career. But it
only requires a moment to make a plan and schedule a few action steps
and suddenly I don’t feel like I’m actually stuck anymore. If instead
of spending the time I would ruminating on what a loser I am , I
instead take any action, plan any step to better the situation, I
feel immediately better.
It
seems that all it takes to change is the willingness to do so and one
action to prove it’s possible. You are as successful or as stuck as
your brain says you are. So today, I am less stuck ad one more step
towards having a better garden.
And
If you enjoyed what you read, subscribe, via the subscription box in
the sidebar, to my thrice weekly posts via your emailbox. And visit
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me or like my
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or Pinterest
too. I am always practicing Intentional Intouchness so chat at me
please. I live for conversations.
Today was a breakthrough day for me. A gorgeous June day with a breeze that lifted your spirit upwards. So I went out to the backyard and I gardened. Not a big deal to anyone else but a huge deal to me. I haven’t allowed myself to garden in a long time. And this decision has just left me feeling hopeless. For years.
The cause has been so many things, but mostly, I gave up. Fear of not doing it well enough or not having the talent, time, money, or whatever other lie fear will tell you and “see ya’ later” soul gratifying thing. I then slipped into a hopelessness cloud for which I have found no escape. That is until today when I walked outside and began again.
By far the cruelest thing our fear brain does to us while it’s trying to keep us safe, is to rob us of hope. Hope is the breeze on which we fly to the future. But our fear brains think that to keep us safe from harm, they must keep us away from anything that may change us or our lives. Change is bad and hope insinuates change. So therefore, hope is out.
To rob a person of their hope is to give them a living walking death sentence. Without hope, you are just a zombie going through the motions. This is the cruelest of sentences to pass on someone especially yourself and yet, many are the years when I have felt the hopelessness spread over months without a reprieve.
And yet, the smallest spark can be made from a word or a comment or a thought that you “could”. And then the dimmest light of hope is lit inside for an outcome that is different. A craving for a change and the way that might impact your life in even the smallest way. A hope for unity and purpose. A hope for quieting the chaos and for connection and calm.
And it all starts with pulling a few weeds and moving a few worms.
And If you enjoyed what you read, subscribe, via the subscription box in the sidebar, to my thrice weekly posts via your emailbox. And visit me on Instagram to see my daily pictures, friend me or like my page on Facebook. Or come find me on Twitter orPinterest too. I am always practicing Intentional Intouchness so chat at me please. I live for conversations.
My name is Shalagh Hogan, pronounced Shay-La. I'm the mother of a teen, a seven year-old, and I turned 54 this year. This blog was born in 2011 and my hope and joy as a writer, an artist, and an uber-creative, is that by sharing my journey of self-discovery, others will gain inspiration and permission for their own journeys.
