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My Writing Thoughts Today

Today I realized that I have come full circle back to the writing. Where I started to see that I needed to prioritize my writing back when I started my blog, I took a detour this past year for a little while focusing on my art. I feared that my art wasn’t prioritized enough. Like the little sister always getting shoved out of the way for the big brother’s achievements. So I gave her some time to play and she’s happy again.my writing thoughts today on shalavee.com

It is November now, a month when a lot of fellow writers are embarking on their writing journeys with NaNoWriMo. Every year I must decline diving head first into this mass endeavor of amassing words on pages for the fact that I still have a little one at home. But that doesn’t mean that I can’t pump up the volume on my writing.

I wrote and wrote through October and now it’s time to take the best pieces and make them shiny. It’s time for a full turn around to the very first days when I submitted online and took a week to edit my pieces. I want to elevate my writing again out of quick and dirty blog posts and watch the pieces gleam. And then I want to submit. Feeling the When gaining on the If.

I Submit to the necessity to continue my writing journey. I admit to the fear and the doubt and I want to do it anyway. I want to Submit to the right magazines/publications that value the content I have to offer. I want to Submit to the purpose that I am discovering I have.my writing thoughts today on shalavee.com

And If you enjoyed what you read, subscribe, via the subscription box in the sidebar, to my thrice weekly posts via your emailbox. And visit me on Instagram to see my daily pictures, friend me or like my page on Facebook. Or come find me on Twitter orPinterest too. I am always practicing Intentional Intouchness so chat at me please. I live for conversations.

And, as always, Thanks to you for your visit.

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The Striving Verses the Flow

I became suspicious of my process, my ambition this past Summer when a lot of doing was exhausting me and just didn’t feel like progress. So that when I stepped off the track and watched and listened to the noise of the race still trying to be won in my head, I noticed that this race wasn’t for me. It was for the approval of others. And thus, was unwinnable.

The Striving mode feels like all doing and pain and dread. It is a very masculine win/win attitude about progress and process. And one I have been invested in for a very long time without realizing it or really deriving any true pleasure from it. The striving is about “never enough”. It is about controlling your perception of me and hiding the true most sensitive part of me. It’s about impressing and distracting you with my doing.laura-harris-mosaic on striving vs flow on Shalavee.com

Whereas my striving has sometimes been what’s made me write and publish, the Flow mode is very much the artistic visual side of me. When I allowed myself to prioritize daily art making for almost two months and indulge that side of my brain, I proved I could be kind to my inner child and I feel a lot more trustworthy and kind for it. The flow is the creative, the feminine, the Mother. Flow allows for the time to play because the wisdom knows that the truth lies there. And truth will always balance the scales between the two forces .

In placing my energy and devotion on the larger process of understanding myself and allowing for the discovery of who I am rather than proving I am what I think you want me to be, I am elevating my confidence in myself by the moment. And the state of doing my best and letting go of the rest is proving to be a better one to live in. The projects that I am now dreaming of are ones I am looking forward to rather than dreading. And I don’t feel that clamorous grasping for hope I once did. I now live more inside hope for a better more productive future for whatever career this is leading me to.fairy on striving vs flow on Shalavee.com

 

Where striving felt like struggle, choke, clamber, and panic,

flow feels like listening, working, creativity, and lightness.

And that’s where I’d like to live.

 

And If you enjoyed what you read, subscribe, via the subscription box in the sidebar, to my thrice weekly posts via your emailbox. And visit me on Instagram to see my daily pictures, friend me or like my page on Facebook. Or come find me on Twitter orPinterest too. I am always practicing Intentional Intouchness so chat at me please. I live for conversations.

And, as always, Thanks to you for your visit.

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Money Matters

I struggle and shuffle stuff around in my head to make sense of my money thoughts. I’ve perused Susie Ormand books. I’ve listened to podcasts and pinned books and talked about it with my husband and my therapist. I just don’t have a very good relationship with my money thoughts. And that’s a problem.

In the past, money was the source of fights with my ex. I made it and he spent it. I did a really good job bailing myself out of debt after that marriage to buy my house. I had worked hard for a good credit score and we got the house because of it. But 14 years in this dilapidated house, two new businesses, fixed roofs and appliances, a surprise hospital visit while uninsured, and two babies later and we’ve definitely hit a monetary wall. We spent more than we made and our debt scared me.

There is such a lack of abundance hangover in our American society. It manifests as an obsession of more for less. A friend pointed out to me that getting more of any thing, be it clothes or makeup or stuff, doesn’t equate to more happiness. It’s as if this never enough mentality is our birth right. Never skinny enough, slept enough, appreciated enough, or have time enough. It’s a perpetual spinning cycle of not enoughness. No one sees what they really have, their family or good health, as something to be grateful for.

“Not-enoughness certainly shows up in our money relationships — but it goes deeper than that. It’s a mindset. A way of being founded in the illusion of deprivation, instead of in the reality of provision, gratitude, and sufficiency in the here-and-now. Enoughness is not a static accomplishment: it lives and breathes in you.”  Bari Tessler from her brilliant post It’s Never Just About the Money , and excerpt from her The Art of Money book.Money Matters on Shalavee.com

This is basic primal stuff. Well known psychologist Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs theory says you can not grow when your primary needs of food and shelter are not met. Homeless and hungry is not a good thing for your psyche and you won’t feel good about yourself to be able to contribute what you have to give. There are many psychological nuances at play around money and it’s power over self-worth even when you seemingly have enough. Self-worth and love has become entangled in my money mind and it’s messing me up.

As a kid, I experienced my mom’s shame around a bout with unemployment and receiving government funds and that felt like shame and less-than-ness. I am always subconsciously fearful of being there again so I keep my credit scores good by making timely payments. I try to pay a little over my credit card minimums. But I act richer than I am. Not wanting to be caught with yellowing underwear or needing the flea meds for the cats, I bought those on credit. Mark’s business needed time to stand by itself. Perhaps , as Bari Tessler suggests, this is not about money at all but our perception of enough.Money Matters on Shalavee.com

We can easily spend more than we make. With one income and 4 people with needs, sometimes you just can’t say no. A gift from a family member alleviated some of our worries for paying our taxes and provided a needed reprieve during a very stressful time when Mark lost his Dad. But this is still a very weighty subject for me. I’m not earning anything and that makes me feel less-than. Even though I do my job well, it’s a non-paying job.

My major problem is that I just don’t know how to be OK with money thoughts.

My major problem is that I just don’t know how to be OK with money thoughts. There’s anxiety and love struggles buried under there. I’m so disassociated from monetary abundance thoughts that I recognize it as a downfall. A personal fault. A retardation of a sort. I also know that if I’m going to be writing and asking for money, the money problems are going to block me from the writing. And that’s the biggest problem of all. When money fears impede with artistic expression and growth, I need an intervention.

I am gathering my materials and my thoughts and I also need to gather a support group I suppose. If you have any references to suggest, please share. If you have had any similar set backs, I’d love to hear your stories. I work hard to keep it all organized, balance the checkbooks immediately when the statement comes in, and try to make a budget for us. But I think that’s all superficial, that the relationship I have with money and success is where my work lies. Seeing it as energy/permission and not cash/greed/stuff may be the direction I need to head in. And appreciating what I have. Cheryl Crow  sings,  “It’s not getting what you want, it’s wanting what you’ve got.”

And If you enjoyed what you read, subscribe, via the subscription box in the sidebar, to my thrice weekly posts via your emailbox. And visit me on Instagram to see my daily pictures, friend me or like my page on Facebook. Or come find me on Twitter orPinterest too. I am always practicing Intentional Intouchness so chat at me please. I live for conversations.

And, as always, Thanks to you for your visit.

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