On the last day of school, Fiona brought home all of the binders and folders from her entire school year. And I knew to not even ask if she’d like to throw them away just yet. Because it’s too soon. The memories are too clear of those classes and what they and the people meant to her. So, I told her I’d put them away for her to go through much later. They can lose their power over time, and they’ll be easier to make choices about.
This is what I have done with myself. I have set myself aside for a while. All of my intentional endeavors and purposes from the beginning part of 2022 have been laid down. I needed to create a different perspective from the one I had. My expectations of myself weren’t jiving with what I was experiencing. So, I shut it all down.
The change over and juggling of my anti-anxiety medicine contributed to my wiggyness. I wasn’t prepared to feel that much that quickly. And the conclusion of the 100 Day project wasn’t as I’d imagined and left me with a sad feeling about my creativity. And I was worn out from all of my efforts to make my blog better.
I saw this as a cycle of starting and stopping and I took it to my online friends and my therapist. The former insisted it’s a spiral not a circle. And, in so many words, the latter said to not worry. that I wasn’t becoming my mother. This too would pass.
So I have been busying myself with other things. Like vacationing and reading. Waiting for the space that time is providing me to get perspective on myself. We are never too long up or down before we head the other way. And if I’ve spent a lifetime of giving up, I’ve also spent a lifetime of starting over.
I realize again that all I’ve ever needed to know is within all of my writings, blogposts, journals, and Instagram posts. All I have to do is access them and puzzle myself back together. Everyone is a little, if not a lot, broken. Some of us just have further to climb out of the trauma hole we were born into. All those crappy little messages that make me feel bad about myself? They’ll keep coming. I will try to redouble my efforts to ignore them and choose to listen to the better ones. It’s all I can do. I am human after all.
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