I am a proud graduate of the Low-Self Esteem For Girls School. In a decade I’ve come from sucky to ducky. While I’m constantly aware that I still have a long way to go, I can feel and see where I have been. It was a lonely anxious place. A sort of emotional black hole from which one is fairly certain there’s no escape and you don’t deserve to anyway. That’s the continuous sucking vortex that is low self-esteem.
I saw this woman once. I can’t remember where it was but I feel like I was in my 20’s. She had an aura around her and she was the embodiment of “happy with herself”. I was transfixed. She wasn’t skinny or beautiful. She was in her thirties and maybe blond. All I remember is her flowy white linen pants. They seemed the ultimate in comfortable as she was within herself.
I knew there was the possibility of more. I was angry that everyone acted like there wasn’t. More confidence, more happiness, less stress. Because I won’t create it unless I believe it exists.
As I’ve said before, I was invisible to myself. New relationships could be really hard to make because you don’t see what they see in you. You’re suspicious of people’s motivations. If you liked my sense of humor or artistic talent or something about me but I didn’t see that in me then I’m looking at you like what do you want from me? Which then gives the potential new friend a weird vibe that feels unwelcoming and paranoid. Because it is. And then he/she may decide that I am more trouble than I’m worth and Adios, see ya’ later, you ain’t worth all of that. And then I’m alone again saying, see I knew you weren’t the person you said you were.
People are weird. Such a miss-mash of idealism and perfectionistic extremes and rules and rituals. Our heads are Gordan’s knots of shoulds, coulds, and wishes for what we are unwilling to make happen. And the only thing that can save us is ourselves. I have adjusted my vision to my day today. To do what I can and not focus on what I can’t. I have gradually built a faith in my own abilities. It’s called self-efficacy. So that now creativity is like collaborative play with an old friend. And I am making sure to acknowledge these creative achievements and continue to push myself just outside of the known. And making friends online is an amazing empowering and trans-formative act that I wish I’d discovered sooner.
Thank you from the bottom of my heart to all of you for being here, subscribing to my writing ( I hit 79!), and telling me the truths that you tell. You have restored a formerly cynical scared hermit into a dancing queen. And that doesn’t suck.
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