I’ve been done knowing I need to write a declaration/manifesto about my passions to share with the world on the subjects of Establishing Self-trust by Indulging Creativity and Creativity and Motherhood. Yesterday, I sat down and slogged out a 500 word piece only to find, when I put it in a file with some other Manifestos I’d already written, I’d pretty much written this piece out twice before. And did a better job both times. Again, I stumble on my mental chaos.
This chaos is most evident with all of my computer desktop’s documents and folders and by the multitude of scraps of paper in the miscellaneous folders stacked up around my work places. Reflections of my busy creative mind yes. But also an sign that my chaos keeps me off track. I am very good at generating ideas but apparently not so good at systematizing them into action. And eventually the spark dies and they get buried inside folder upon folder.
So I stood here and decided that once and for all, I’d create one notebook that would keep and contain my current ongoing projects, goals, and thoughts. Why do I not have a system to contain all of this already? Because in keeping myself in chaos, I get to continue to stay invisible and risk free. Who can maintain a thought train and track goal tasks when there’s all of this going on? Brilliantly self-sabotaging. Thank you very little.
I have lived a life of giving up. When you have low self-esteem, you spend a lifetime of giving up. You continue to abandon yourself just as you felt you were abandoned as a child. And so the abandonment of all these sparks and starts and spurts is par for that course. Except, it feels like some sort of horrible nightmare from which I want to awaken. I no longer want to live in chaos, in my mind or in my house.
So today, I finally took a step. Again, I wrangled and considered what I have thought and sorted out new priorities from old. It feels transformative. It feels powerful to stop the cycle. To gather myself and show up for me. The clearing is a life pattern and I accept that it will have to happen many more times in my lifetime. But for now, Good Enough.
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