I intended to say goodbye. To that extra weight, to that deadbeat husband, and to the daily onslaught of negative thoughts doing my esteem no good with every siege. But the intentions were all I came up with. I intended to get right on taking care of that. But I wasn’t making anything happen because I truly didn’t believe that I deserved to move on to the next place. The place where I was skinnier, an ex-spouse, and a person who bravely loved myself just for being me.

That other realm encompassed hope and forgiveness and that was uncomfortably unfamiliar. It didn’t make sense to me. And so I kept coming up with the same daily equation of self-hatred. But remember, the definition of “Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results”, said Albert Einstein. So I felt crazy too.

insanity quote from Einstein on Shalavee.com

First, actualizing intentions takes the belief that hope exists and isn’t some cruel lie created to just torture you.  Then, armed with sheer will and the right tools, take a faith-filled action to move towards where your intentions are. And lastly, it takes an unfailing certainty that anything is better than here.

I kept adding more exercise to shed my pounds. And as sassy as my calves looked, my midsection was still bloated. I continued this torture, mad at myself and disliking me daily for what seems a very long time. Until I decided that I should do something different. I’d already given up but I truly wanted to hope still. So I signed us up for Weight Watchers. And within 2 months I’d lost the seven peskiest pounds of my life. And I found myself liking myself daily.

osho quote Shalavee.com

I spend $50 a month for the YMCA membership and the opportunity to put my daughter in childwatch for an hour while I exercise. I spent $150 for three months of use of the Weight Watchers program’s app and support to have a way to be accountable for my food intake. And this combination of tools was what it took to move into another stratosphere of hope.

In feeling the hope and confidence to change what I once thought impossible, I’m now finding that possibilities are popping up in other places where fear was squatting. Because that’s what that extra layer on my outside was. Fear. And shedding it is feeling mighty powerful.

On Hope from Annie Lamott on Shalavee.com

The right tools and that little bit of hope that says maybe things can change if I change these things. Where does it apply in your life?

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  1. I love your opening photo – the horizon is in a fuzzy fog because my intentions aren’t actions…until they are. I love that line. Congratulations on your actions! I find self healthcare is my neglected intention these days…

    1. Thank you Dawn, I’m fond of taking pictures of farm fields from a speeding car…while I’m driving. I am trying hard but it’s my vision that’s doing the changing so that I may see where I’ve come from. As for the self health care, I’ve been there, neglected that. But realized that it’s basic need stuff. It tells us we’re worth something. Ergo Obama wanting a nation who cares for itself, it raises the esteem of a people. Look up Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs and this is basic stuff besides eating and shelter. You deserve that gift of worth acknowledgement Dawn.
      Love to you,

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