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Why Does My Self-Interest Waver?

I am wondering what my deal is when it comes to my wavering self-interest. I understand that I prioritize my children and my family above myself. I understand that everything I may do that is a creative endeavor is a risk of showing my authentic self and getting whooped. Fear does a lot of dances around not showing up for yourself. And my bad opinion of egomania is well-established and substantiated which makes me not want to be that way.

Except, I’m a writer for goodness sake. I have to find what I think somewhat interesting to begin writing. And usually I find my way through to another set of thoughts I’m surprised by. But why don’t I find what I think interesting enough to promote, to delve into more deeply and publish? It’s like I’m two different people. The mild-mannered writer by night and then the American housewife by day. Hmmmmm…Why Does My Self-Interest Waver? on Shalavee.com

I have the potential to write really interesting pieces, in fact whenever I read my work I’m always surprised at how well spoken I am. But a general compulsion to have my thoughts on certain subjects known on a broader band, I’ve got nothing. As if I just turn a knob off for my existence. I don’t exist for myself, I exist for everyone and everywhere else.

I bring these thoughts to my therapist and to you. You are bearing witness to my process. I am inviting you here within my head in case you too have problems in the places I do. And I greatly appreciate your presence. But know this, I will break through. I always do.

And If you enjoyed what you read, subscribe, via the subscription box in the sidebar, to my thrice weekly posts via your emailbox. And visit me on Instagram to see my daily pictures, friend me or like my page on Facebook. Or come find me on Twitter or Pinterest too. I am always practicing Intentional Intouchness so chat at me please. I live for conversations.

And, as always, Thanks to you for your visit.

My Fear Box Hides My Capabilities

Somehow I’ve decided that there is a box I am supposed to stay within. That to venture from the box is certain death. I somehow always know that I am not allowed to imagine myself anywhere else but in the Fear Box. I am denied access to the world of possibilities outside.

But I also know that the key to freedom is in having self-esteem enough to fill my balloon and sail over the walls of the box and out into the world. Feeling capable is the updraft. Capability however is stolen by low self-esteem. Negative judgmental thoughts are the pin that pops the balloon and keeps me in the box.

I have honored my creativity over and over yet I wouldn’t call myself an artist. I have written over 1000 blog posts and yet wouldn’t say I’m a “successful” writer. Yet I have successfully pulled off many special events and parties, decorated Christmas trees, and birthed and raised two beautiful children. I am a highly capable person who is unaware of her capabilities. Because Fear claims that knowing these capabilities would be unsafe.

Staying small and staying safe would be my Fear’s dream vacation. But to my intellect and my inner artist, this is soul death. Once you see that you are smarter than your fear, grateful for it having kept you safe of course, but done kowtowing to it’s every twitch, you end up in charge of your future. A bridge to a new place.

I Can is about to fuel the rest of my life. And I will work harder and be more forgiving than I have ever been towards myself if I can taste the freedom of I Can.

And If you enjoyed what you read, subscribe, via the subscription box in the sidebar, to my thrice weekly posts via your emailbox. And visit me on Instagram to see my daily pictures, friend me or like my page on Facebook. Or come find me on Twitter or Pinterest too. I am always practicing Intentional Intouchness so chat at me please. I live for conversations.

And, as always, Thanks to you for your visit.

You Can’t Be Your Own Accountabilibuddy

I wanted to think that I could do it all by myself. I have signed up for many tasks that I figured I could handle without anyone’s support. Weight Watchers, marriage to someone who was self destructive, and conquering my anxiety. And in each situation, I was destined to fail. It’s not that I didn’t really want to lose weight, have a marriage that succeeded, or be less anxious, it was just that not everything is meant to be done alone.

There’s an American notion that it’s noble to go it alone. To carry the load and to succeed. And women are equally likely to take on more than their share of burden if not to just protect the ones they love. Of course the innate problem is that then we suffer needlessly alone while we raise children and husbands who are unappreciative and lazy. Ooooppps.You Can'r be your own accountabilibuddy on Shalavee.com

The only way we’re guaranteed success in life is if we have company, community, and accountability against our fears. Because our fears lurk waiting for every opportunity to mess up our best of intentions and our noblest of plans. The first time I did Weight Watchers, I went and weighed in at the local firehouse and I lost the ten pounds. The second time, I did it “on my own”. I managed to gain weight. Picking a marriage partner who really has no interest in working as a team is definitely a set-up for failure and loneliness. I have a partner in my second marriage, raising two children together proves it takes teamwork.

Anxiety is a number one reason why we keep ourselves alone. Afraid we’ll mess up and get ourselves outcast, we sentence ourselves to loneliness in full view by never sharing how we feel with others. But when we share our goals with others, we are super aware that we are accountable to our words. Everyone else would forgive us if we didn’t accomplish what we set out for. But we wouldn’t. And there’s just something empowering about stating our dreams out loud, hopefully to the right person! 

So if this has you thinking that maybe you have been going it lone alone a little too much, entrust something to someone. A secret desire, a secret fear, or goal you are trying to achieve. Give someone the chance to be your accountability buddy and see where it takes both of you.

And If you enjoyed what you read, subscribe, via the subscription box in the sidebar, to my thrice weekly posts via your emailbox. And visit me on Instagram to see my daily pictures, friend me or like my page on Facebook. Or come find me on Twitter or Pinterest too. I am always practicing Intentional Intouchness so chat at me please. I live for conversations.

And, as always, Thanks to you for your visit.

Proving I Can Do It

I took Sas Pethrick’s Self Doubt Archetype quiz to see what type of gal she defined me as it relates to my procrastination and fear. And what I found out is that I’m an Innocent. In my childhood, I wasn’t empowered to believe I could do it. And so I don’t believe I can do anything without help. I get kinda panicky when I think I have to do something I don’t know how to do. I am often a doubtful child in a woman’s body.

So at home, I’ve begun to take care of home projects that are bugging me as a way to remember who I really am (a kickbutt self-empowered woman) and prove I get stuff done. And Wow, what a difference a shift makes. I gave re-glued, repaired, restrung, and rehung all sorts of little bits in my house that made me feel broken looking at them.proving I can do it on Shalavee.com

Yes I can replace the guts in a toilet. Yes I can fix an old door lock box. Yes I can clean that hard to get to window in the stairwell. I can assist in installing a new ceiling fan. In fact, I bet there are a lot more things I can fix if I just put my mind to it. Or do without a single clue. We can’t wait until we know, have enough time, or have enough money because we’ll be waiting our lives away.

But when in true doubt? Hire a professional. I am not doing outright plumbing myself.

And If you enjoyed what you read, subscribe, via the subscription box in the sidebar, to my thrice weekly posts via your emailbox. And visit me on Instagram to see my daily pictures, friend me or like my page on Facebook. Or come find me on Twitter or Pinterest too. I am always practicing Intentional Intouchness so chat at me please. I live for conversations.

And, as always, Thanks to you for your visit.

Chaos is comfortable to me

After much thought about how to make more time in my schedule to be creative, I decided that I’d approach life more proactively again. I’d schedule meals, blog posts, and laundry so I could write more. And what happened was that I experienced more ease. You have less to do and you get more done. It was a lesson I’ve learned before and knowing this made me uncomfortable.

Fear is so idiotic. Like those highway patrol people with their speed guns, it leaps out into oncoming traffic and has you pull over to the side of the road because you may not have your safety belt on. Then it convinces you that it’s safer out of the car walking. Then you find yourself back at home suddenly convinced that you didn’t need whatever you were setting out in the car to go get. And soon, you are a shut-in.Chaos is comfortable to me on Shalavee.com

I am used to chaos. In fact, I’m a former chaos junkie. I used to think that it was cool to strive and thrive on adrenaline and fear. But then I had kids and that isn’t a great tactic when you are trying to raise them in a calm safe reliable environment. But somehow the winging it thing creeps back into my life after I swore allegiance to intentional pro-activity. And I find myself tired and haggered and not sure what I’m making for dinner at dinnertime.

Every day is an opportunity to start over. So again I started over with meal planning (once you have meals chosen, you can swap them out as you feel inspired). My laundry is only to be done twice a week. A full weeks of blog posts waiting to go out is a good minimum. And every loving thing I need to consider goes into the Google Calendar. Because I don’t need to expect myself to remember everything everyday. I just want to get on to the business of writing. Bigger badder writing is burbling underneath waiting to be seen and heard. And that is a priority worth planning for.

And If you enjoyed what you read, subscribe, via the subscription box in the sidebar, to my thrice weekly posts via your emailbox. And visit me on Instagram to see my daily pictures, friend me or like my page on Facebook. Or come find me on Twitter or Pinterest too. I am always practicing Intentional Intouchness so chat at me please. I live for conversations.

And, as always, Thanks to you for your visit.

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