I cringe when I think about it. Not even that long ago, I really needed people to want to be with me. I attached so much importance to people’s response to my invitations to hang out that if they didn’t get back to me or refused me, I was crushed.
I apparently have abandonment issues earned honestly from my Mom and Dad but still I find this annoying when we’re no longer talking about a five year old but a 52 year old. I put a lot of value in what people near and dear to me say and I want to spend time with them hearing it.
But when that fear creeps out and attaches to what the audience who did and didn’t show up for something I did thinks of me, I have to call “Halt”. I took two risks last year, one a public speech on anxiety and creativity and one leading a workshop and after both, I had similar experiences of abandonment and impostor syndrome shame. After the second, I sought medical help and that alleviated so much anxiety.
But I still want to understand what I am thinking that brings me to such places so fast. There’s such crazy depth to our psyches. I can not control what you think of me. I can only decided what I think of me. But if my worth depends on you, I’m screwed. And so many of us are doing this. Are you?
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1 Comment
I’m working with an herbalist and energy healer, and we talk a lot about connecting with all the parts of us – the ones from childhood who are still hurting, and how if we tend to them, if we speak kindly and listen to what they have to say, so much gets resolved and healed, fear wise and so much more. It’s pretty incredible.