When something really really bothers me, say I’m obsessing over something I have to do or how something someone has said to me irks me, I can become stuck. Like having a brain hiccup, I keep going back there again and again and, once in that room, I find it hard to exit. Obsessively stuck moments flag an opportunity to grow. I know I know, afgo.
And what I’ve come to realize with my increasing age and wisdom, is that there is actually a way, completely within our power, to get over it. But it’s not the “easy” way. The Robert Frost quote I have hanging next to my chair says, “The best way out is through”. I think it’s a little more about having it go through you. The only way to release something from your psyche is to own your part in it. Because the more you push it away, the longer it will stay.
If we act from fear, we usually make bad choices. I do it a lot. We choose to avoid, to blame, and to detach. We think it’s easier to let it go, avoid confrontation, or laze out and not show up. But you can’t respect people, including yourself, who shirk responsibility, pass bucks, or skip out. Even small children know when their choices are unwise and perhaps naughty. Even though you say them them them, you know it’s you . We project on others so we don’t have to make a change.
It takes a better person to admit their part in a situation instead of blaming the world or everyone else.
My first marriage was a catastrophe. I choose to own my part in it and in doing so, I was able to leave.
It takes bravery and integrity to ask to be forgiven even when there were equal mistakes made on all sides.
I had to forgive myself for choosing that abusive situation and not leaving sooner.
And life is way easier when we just get on with the dreaded task we’ve avoided.
A year of separation and the divorce was done and I had met my now-husband right before the papers were signed.
Instead of wasting time avoiding stuff, we can be proud of ourselves as we get stuff done and know we are leading by example.
Prior to leaving him, I’d spoken with two women who’d gone through divorce and although it was lonely and weird at first, it was my only choice.
And when you honestly own your part in any and all choices that got you to the wrong place, you’ll immediately find yourself in the right place. The problem goes through you and the truth develops a shiny happy little hopeful baby face on the other side. And that is well worth the price of ownership for your bad choices. And will speak louder to those around you, especially your children, about what integrity really looks like.
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Going “through” is so hard sometimes. And it can take a long time upon occasion. My parents had a doctor who I held just about 100% accountable for my Dad’s massive stroke and issues following it. I HATED that man. I hated him even after my Dad died four years later. And then my Mom was dying. And I entered her room to see the “weekend” doctor was…THAT man. I cannot imagine the face that he saw when he looked up. Hate is such an ugly look. We stepped outside the room; he looked down at me and said, “I am so sorry about what I did and didn’t do for Arden.” Did his words alter what had happened to Daddy? Hell no. But I realized that the doc had lived with his guilt as long as I had lived with my hate.
Going through for both of us was such a good and healthy thing.
Wow, what can I say to your losses but I’m so sorry. And you reminded me that when my Mom had an emergency hysterectomy at 40 something, I was furious at that doctor. And when he came into the room at the hospital, as she kowtowed to him because doctors are gods to old people, I had the hate on my face. His misdiagnosis of a tumor on her ovary nearly cost her her life. I remember that feeling. I wonder if he thought himself a superhero for saving her? I’m glad you had closure Shannon.