I use a pin to fix a clogged-up spray bottle. I fix footless fairies with super glue. But this “trying to fix myself thing” just isn’t working out well. Being constantly judged as bad isn’t good. My self-worth has been molded by a sinister societal image that I no longer want to aspire to.
So, I decided to make a shift. And I’m feeling it kick in.
If A + B = “I see a never changing ugly rendition of myself when I look in the mirror”, then perhaps I need to change what A and B are. “I must be skinnier” is definitely one of them. And the other is “exercise or else”. And I wanted the result to be a miraculous love of my skinny self. But that will never happen as long as I objectify myself.
I need to take a stand against the persistent objectification of my body. This creates a vortex of self-loathing that serves no purpose. I am devaluing my worth as just my body and completely neglecting my worth as a person, an artist, and a contributor. This choice is just a vortex of self-loathing that serves no purpose.
So, if I change the “I must be skinnier” factor and just allow myself to be where I am at this very moment. And I return to the exercise to be an enjoyable action again as it once was, then perhaps the new outcome could be about self-pride and love and care. Not results.
I’ve kept away from exercising and the gym for two reasons. I didn’t want to start the new year in the same fixing vein as last. And I want to rid myself of the addiction to the fix myself and these habitual thoughts and replace them with a habit of exercising for my wellbeing.
Towards this purpose, I am taking time off to heal and be. I have gone and bought myself clothing that fits and doesn’t suck. I have new bras, new layers, and I am setting aside anything that doesn’t fit currently. I want to be happy and comfortable and confident in this body.
Anything that triggers me to feel bad or sad needs to be removed from my living space. And currently, until I remove all the clothing that will make me ache somehow, the closet is full of landmines.
I feel so much more confident about my days because my obsession isn’t running me. And I am taking steps to make the kind of progress in the rest of my life that I feel proud of so that I value myself there for that and not just my body. Body shame is one of the most worthless habits I have had besides smoking. And I’m taking a stand against it.
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