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Shame Memories and Lessons

Spend any time reading or listening to Brene Brown’s work and you’ll get to understanding the toxicity of Shame. Watch her brilliant Ted Talk here on Shame. This word has such power in it that we tend to think its reserved for people in really bad circumstances; ones that have nothing to do with us. But sometimes we just don’t want to remember.

 

I had a flash today of several moments in my life that were all about shame mugging me. And I realized too, each has then required me to stand up and say I was worth better. The hard stuff can give you the good stuff but you must endure it.

Shame Memories and Lessons on Shalavee.com

      My Shame Memories

 

I was in my 20’s and had slept with a University student, a rich boy with a bunk bed most likely at a frat party. I can’t even remember the incident but somehow and for unknown reasons, I spoke to this guy on the phone later when he went and asked me if I had any communicable diseases. His girlfriend was coming to town so he needed to know. Horror is the first word that comes to mind.

 

I went to file charges against my ex-husband at the police station for domestic abuse. It felt as if I was wearing a leaden suit when I walked in. The shame I felt as I wrote the written description of how I was victimized was the heaviest I’ve ever felt. I didn’t feel quite as bad when I bailed him out of jail later where he’d been hauled in for not completing his abuse counseling after I filed those charges. But I knew I’d blown my chance to leave.

 

And I felt unworthy when a client told me my work wasn’t worth the money I’d asked for. I wasn’t worth it. I wasn’t worth loving without hurting, being appreciated for my talents, or worthy of being paid the price of human decency. Except that in each circumstance, I was also not the one acting abhorrent.

Shame Memories and Lessons on Shalavee.com

     Lessons Learned

 

Shame is funny like that. It makes the victim feel responsible for the pain. It’s a passing of the buck of a sort, a deflection of one person’s unworthiness on to another. And when the person being shamed feels like a child, or is one, it’s horrific.

 

I’m certain there are many other memories I could dredge up. But honestly, I don’t need to. Because I know in these situations, I was choosing these people to be mean to me because I felt unworthy. There will always be people out there who will look for weaker people to project or displace their ugly feelings onto. It’s a true bully tactic. But I’d like to think as we get older, maybe we build our soul forts stronger and when the world comes huffing and puffing, we’ll laugh and put the pot on the fire.

And If you enjoyed what you read, subscribe, via the subscription box in the sidebar, to my thrice weekly posts via your email box. And visit me on Instagram to see my daily pictures, friend me or like my page on Facebook. Or come find me on Twitter or Pinterest  too. I am always practicing Intentional In-touchness so chat at me please. I live for conversations.

And, as always, Thanks to you for your visit.

Successful Avoidance of Success

I am fast approaching a milestone here on ye’ olde blog. One thousand posts. Yet I have also kept my foot firmly planted against the door keeping the crack from opening anymore. I have controlled and avoided my success so perfectly that I’m feeling the yawning pains of stagnation here.

How do you avoid success you ask?

  • Well you never self-promote. You work just as hard but never ask people for anything. Not their eyes to read or their support. You keep everything on the down low QT.
  • You don’t go outside of your bubble and send your work or thoughts to other people.
  • You avoid growth and creating anything that could cause more work for yourself soon.

Successful avoidance of success is based solely on the concept that if I did become more successful than that would mean that I may have to pay a high price in effort. I know that presently I can get everything I need done, I can write, and keep up the care of my children. If I started creating more work for myself, then I would be creating my demands when I already feel I have too much.Successful Avoidance of Success on Shalavee.com

Of course, success is probably like having your first baby. You think it’ll be tough and it is but you love it. And everything you need just magically appears when you need it.  I know all about stalling the children thing and how it is what it is until it isn’t anymore and you won’t die. Well so far it hasn’t killed me.

And lastly, I think I don’t have a good healthy relationship with the word success. I think of it as something you strive for that you ignore other people to get. You work too hard and your children suffer and it’s all about yourself and the needs you have to be acknowledged all the time. I think it’s about greed and money made and attention seeking. About status and ego needs being met. And I’ve convinced myself that I don’t need any of that thank you.

Yet there’s a tiny part of me that says that success isn’t the reward. That there are all sorts of perks and ahas that pave the way and that by the time you get there, you have figured all this out. But you must be in process to discover these eurekas. So, I just want to have some fun and see what happens.

And If you enjoyed what you read, subscribe, via the subscription box in the sidebar, to my thrice weekly posts via your email box. And visit me on Instagram to see my daily pictures, friend me or like my page on Facebook. Or come find me on Twitter or Pinterest  too. I am always practicing Intentional In-touchness so chat at me please. I live for conversations.

And, as always, Thanks to you for your visit.

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You’re Living the Good Life if You Think You Are

I am a half empty kinda gal. I see everything in my life as slightly bad. I see the clothing in my closet as too tight. I see my body as too white. I see my house as dirty and my furniture shabby. And my career as a big question I should have already answered. Perpetually half empty.

Every day, I will think at some point of how my life sucks. And so it does. We live in the general bubbled feeling of what we perceive. With the not so good news streaming into our conscious minds, we perceive the world as dangerous and doom-filled. A disaster is surely awaiting us and so we gear up for the inevitable disastrous outcome with our cynicism and our lack of spontaneous joy. Deflecting joy is a common trick used by the most prestigious people.You're Living the Good Life if You Think You Are on Shalavee.com

But honestly, life is filled with houses full of inanimate objects and people wrapped up in their own perceived outcomes. We are the ones pumping meaning into our everyday and interaction. What if we had faith the outcome was going to be good? Then we’d manifest it as such. What if your outcome was already a given.

What we expect, we create. And we may need to very intentionally retrain our brains to not go to auto-know already predicting the outcome before there is an outcome. But rather, we could ask ourselves to be a little more creative about imagining our outcomes. Step back out of that negative brain rut and not only look at what’s going right in life and state our gratitude for such, but what possibilities are out there that we’ve not imagined. Because life can be generous with its gifts if we leave room for them. And surprises are awaiting those with the sight to see them coming.

 

And If you enjoyed what you read, subscribe, via the subscription box in the sidebar, to my thrice weekly posts via your email box. And visit me on Instagram to see my daily pictures, friend me or like my page on Facebook. Or come find me on Twitter or Pinterest  too. I am always practicing Intentional In-touchness so chat at me please. I live for conversations.

And, as always, Thanks to you for your visit.

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