It’s not as if I don’t try. As Sara Bareilles sings in her song Armor, “You make me try, try, try, try … it’s all I ever do.” But what if the efforts you make are good, it’s just your expectations of what you can humanly accomplish are off ? What if you’re so used to never getting it right and never doing enough that you can’t see how much you’ve accomplished. You can’t see the forest for all the trees.
You know I’m talking about myself. When am I not?
I have been told many times by many wonderful people that they are amazed at how much I seem to accomplish. I have admittedly called myself the Energizer Bunny and written here that my coping mechanism is Industrious Over-focused. But what I wasn’t understanding was why their view of my accomplishments wasn’t the same theirs.
What would I give up if I acknowledged all that I do? The concept that I’m failing at life? The constant definition of me as a failure? Jeeze Louise! How is it possible to be so attached to the negative self-definition of not enough that you keep creating ways to prove it?
Smaller goals and smaller celebrations for smaller progress. This is the way I see myself truly making progress that I can acknowledge. Because if all I have is today to live, than the acceptable celebrate-able enoughness of my efforts needs to happen today. Not “next time”. Not “when I have more time”. I need to work in a way that I can appreciate my efforts and feel proud of them in small ways.
I will continue to work hard. But instead of always dangling the carrot so that I can never reach it, perhaps I need to change it to a rutabaga. Or place it in my hand to begin with and then move on to the work. I don’t need to change my systems as much as my vision. It’s all in the way we look at it.
Change nothing and nothing changes.
Wisdom gained is only as wise as it is applied.
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As a parent, there are so many expectations we have of how our children are “supposed to” develop. Milestones that we expect them to reach by a certain age and if they don’t, we question,”Is there something wrong with them?” Society has thrown many markers at us parents for what “normal” child development should look like. And it messes the parenting process up all to heck.
When my son was two, he wasn’t speaking yet. The in-laws were worried he may be autistic. I knew he was just developing his physical skills first. But my husband insisted his worries were just as valid as the “other” parent so we got him a speech therapist. She had really cool toys to play with once a week with Eamon. Despite concerns, once he began talking, he did so in sentences very quickly . Expecting boys to be as verbal as girls will frustrate you.
Meanwhile, I really wanted him to be potty trained at the same time. I was super sick of all of that diaper business. But my wanting him to be potty trained seemed the very thing that he was punking out against. My expectations of him only served as a negative. Because if you want your child to do it, they will do the opposite. Reverse psychology is a brilliant tactic at any age.
So the question becomes, where do you stand with expectations? If you have none for your child, will they automatically expect themselves to do certain things that will guarantee them success. If you don’t expect them to go to college, will they expect themselves to? Probably not. They’re simultaneously interpreting your expectations as what their abilities are. If I don’t expect them to do something, is this my way of saying I think their incapable of it?
But expectations can also leave no room for individualism. If I expect my children to be straight and get married and they want neither, there may be a rift between us. Expectations need to be tempered with love and acceptance. You have to find the clutch point in the relationship. The point where your desires for them help them uphold themselves to worthy life goals but don’t push them away from you or who they think they are.
As always, parenting includes a lot of touch and run and a great dose of “Good luck with that.”
And If you enjoyed what you read, subscribe, via the subscription box in the sidebar, to my thrice weekly posts via your emailbox. And visit me on Instagram to see my daily pictures, friend me or like my page on Facebook. Or come find me on Twitter or Pinterest too. I am always practicing Intentional Intouchness so chat at me please. I live for conversations.
The world is full of people who are all fulfilling their destinies. Their GASes are theirs. They believe that they need to make these GASes (give a shoots) happen in order for their lives to be “Happy”. And then you have yours. And sometimes, their goals encroach, overlap, and eek into your life.
Boundaries are an important part of life. And are something that most of our parents did not teach us. Because they wanted their way too. Why give us veto power on their edicts? But, boy howdy, we need them when the world pushes. Because it will. And we need to know how to push back.
That may look like telling our families that we need an uninterrupted half hour, perhaps an hour, to ourselves. Or telling our boss that they’ve given us way more work than we can conceivably do in a month, much less a week. Or people emailing us with their expectations about our actions even though we said we wouldn’t be available until after the holiday. We have to know how to let the email sit in the email box and not bother us.
The boundary is ours, not theirs. It is up to us to say, no thank you. I am unavailable until after the first, Monday, or 9 o’clock in the morning. …Us…. If we keep giving our feelings away to other people’s actions, we are screwed. Consider that when you freak out about something, someone else has chosen an action you don’t have to choose to be a part of. Unless you do.
And If you enjoyed what you read, subscribe, via the subscription box in the sidebar, to my thrice weekly posts via your emailbox. And visit me on Instagram to see my daily pictures, friend me or like my page on Facebook. Or come find me on Twitter or Pinterest too. I am always practicing Intentional Intouchness so chat at me please. I live for conversations.
My brain started to swirl two days ago. I thought, “this was inevitable” . I realized that my thoughts were familiar and the bad feelings that accompanied them were too. Not enoughness was rising up and threatening to swamp my mood and render me hopeless.
I
thought, the medication is failing just like I knew it would. I
thought, why haven’t I started any project of meaning? I thought, I
am not losing any weight on Weight Watchers gosh darn it. I thought,
There’s too much and not enough.
And
so I sat on my couch and reached out for a voice that would
counteract this and I found it. I had subscribed to a five day email
series from Mara Glatzel on Enoughness. I listened to her final video
and then I listened again.
She said our messy humanity which we are confronted with every moment of every day is not proof of our not enoughness. We as women ask ourselves to be more and do more than we are actually capable. And when we come up short with these overzealous expectations that are supported by our family and society, we get to feel badly about ourselves.
How
many ways do we set ourselves up to feel “less than” ? These
unrealistic expectations of our bodies, our time, and our boundaries
keep us powerless and distracted. No one needs to oppress us, we do a
damn fine job all on our own.
That day I realized that I was probably already living my life’s purpose. I am still a devoted blogger and daily Instagram poster and my creativity and authenticity give others permission. Whatever you are doing today is what you are meant to be doing today. Don’t doubt that. Let your gratitude for your messy life be enough in this moment.
And
If you enjoyed what you read, subscribe, via the subscription box in
the sidebar, to my thrice weekly posts via your emailbox. And visit
me on Instagram to
see my daily pictures, friend
me or like my
page on Facebook. Or come find me on Twitter
or Pinterest
too. I am always practicing Intentional Intouchness so chat at me
please. I live for conversations.
My name is Shalagh Hogan, pronounced Shay-La. I'm the mother of a teen, a seven year-old, and I turned 54 this year. This blog was born in 2011 and my hope and joy as a writer, an artist, and an uber-creative, is that by sharing my journey of self-discovery, others will gain inspiration and permission for their own journeys.
