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Moments of Profundity

I tried to sit with my thoughts today. To write. To extract some sort of profound truth from my day. And my brain said “sploop”.

Moments of profundity sometimes won’t show up on demand betwixt days and days of 7 year old daughter harassment and 15 year old son idiocy. So be it.

It may be enough that I breath today. And that’s OK.

Happy Monday and I wish you profound moments in the coming week. I find life is a little more fun with profundity.

Interested in reading my future ponderings on Creative Soul Living?Subscribe, via the subscription box in the sidebar, to my weekly posts via your emailbox.

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I am a community kinda person and am always practicing Intentional Intouchness.

I live for conversations.

And, as always, Thanks to you for your visit.

Our Parents and Ourselves

Anne Lamott said “Write as if your parents are dead.” In an attempt to save people from your truth, you censor yourself from writing about your pain. This pain has made you you and may have been caused by them. And this mutes your most important story. And now Their Shames have become yours. You were made complicit to their crimes against themselves and to you. If you tell, you’ll be bad. Ungrateful. Naughty.

She added, this, “Remember that you own what happened to you. If your childhood was less than ideal, you may have been raised thinking that if you told the truth about what really went on in your family, a long bony white finger would emerge from a cloud and point to you, while a chilling voice thundered, “We *told* you not to tell.” But that was then. Just put down on paper everything you can remember now about your parents and siblings and relatives and neighbors, and we will deal with libel later on.”

I say, let them sue me. I’ve got nothing left to lose. I’m not that close to my parents. Is my debt payed off. Or do I have to keep the shame silence to their grave and then tell all.

I hardly ever speak about my family. Once when I did, I got calls from both of them to let me know they did not appreciate being spoken of. Even if what I said was true, that’s not what we do. And I got another call out from my Aunt blasting me for my lack of gratitude. I’ve been given so much, that should buy my devotion and silence.

I feel my heart ache when I read stories about people who are close to their parents. Who grieve the loss of their parent as a piece of themselves leaving the earth. I feel for and admire them for their grief. Perhaps I should say envy them.Our Parents and Ourselves on Shalavee.com

Maybe Anne Lamott had self-involved parents too.  I have yet to delve into her works as much as I might like. Got busy birthing a baby right around the time when women start their introspective reading journeys in earnest. 

I am trying my hardest to make sure that my daughter and son both know I love and support them, that what they seek in the world is both out there and inside them. I am just a cheerleader. It’s about them not me. Khalil Gibran’s poem ‘Children’ says it all:

Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life’s longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you.
And though they are with you, they belong not to you.
You may give them your love but not your thoughts.
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,
Which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.
You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite.
And He bends you with His might that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the archer’s hands be for happiness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies,
So He loves the bow that is stable.

Do your best and let go of the rest. If you’re not helping, you’re hurting. And do unto others…

Interested in reading my future ponderings on Creative Soul Living?Subscribe, via the subscription box in the sidebar, to my weekly posts via your emailbox.

Find me on Instagram to see my daily pictures,

friend me or like my page on Facebook.

Or come find me on Twitter or Pinterest too.

I am a community kinda person and am always practicing Intentional Intouchness.

I live for conversations.

And, as always, Thanks to you for your visit.

Struggling With Priorities : Them or Me

The largest part of who I am is needing to have my kids feel safe. In the beginning of our coronacation, I have fussed and hovered like I did when we would take our littles on vacation and I would worry they wouldn’t sleep. I’d be the sleepless one while the kids would pass out happily. They have done well, broken down and cried on and at me. But their feelings have been honored and I feel successful that they feel safe. However, it is exhausting to care for people this hard. Especially dramatic redheaded daughters.

Truth is, I can see how we Moms have a perfect excuse to not pursue our own personal creative goals. I have long struggled with what I “really want to do”. Even as it seems I’m doing “it”, I’m not feeling like I am. I realize it’s all about considering myself as not enough. Not enough of a good parent or a committed creative. So many ways I can look right at my life and deem it a failure.

I found this poem that I wrote a while back and I really think it sums up the inner battle I have with my expectations to succeed and what is enough.

 

I chatter at it and

Batter at it and

still it is not fixed.

The ages old self-diatribe

I am not enough, I am not enough

 

I tell everyone, I’m OK, I’m fine

But in my mind there’s a line

And I’m on the wrong side.

 

The impossibility of moving on

Tethered to a ghost.

I trust no one, even myself

And so I remain lost

 

I crave the ease

The easy squeeze

that will fill my future full

Of gratitude and tenderness

of purposed hours filled.

 

I write at night

with all my sight

that I might

win this fight.

I have come a long way from where I was when I wrote this poem. I am more convinced that I am on my path just taking a more leisurely stroll along it. The medication was a wonder as it allowed me to use all of the education and hard work I had done prior. But the viral disruption that is 2020 has thrown all of us off balance and I am busy figuring out where my children stop and I begin.

And If you enjoyed what you read, subscribe, via the subscription box in the sidebar, to my thrice weekly posts via your emailbox. And visit me on Instagram to see my daily pictures, friend me or like my page on Facebook. Or come find me on Twitter or Pinterest too. I am always practicing Intentional Intouchness so chat at me please. I live for conversations.

And, as always, Thanks to you for your visit.

Are You Struck Too by Mankind’s Generosity in this Crisis?

One action is striking me in this time of quietly awaiting the restart of our lives. Yes, the absolute idiocy of our American government and how smart my daughter is aside,  the richness and generosity of the human spirit. All the efforts of people to help one another with food and assistance definitely increases my feelings of faith in mankind.

That after we’re over getting through this, we can see exactly what was always important to us as individuals and as civilizations. The word civil being the operative word. Money and fear have been governing our world for too long while our world’s environment and children need feeding and care. No amount of money saved at Walmart will get us closer to these.Are You Struck Too by Mankind's Generosity in this Crisis? on Shalavee.com

If there’s one thing that will make you and me feel better any day of our lives, it’s to make a difference to someone, for someone. So send love to people, both loved ones and strangers alike. Be a part of healing us and yourself. Show up for others without the need to be acknowledged for it and you’ll receive more rewards than you ever imagined.

I am making art everyday for myself and others. I am sending cards and compliments and company. I am feeding the cats, squirrels, blue jays, and anything else that likes Purina cat food. I am being present for myself and my kids. What else is there?

Want to read more of my viral diaries?

Now is When We Need Self-Compassion

What’s a Sunday Feel Like?

What Life Will You Choose When This is Done?

And If you enjoyed what you read, subscribe, via the subscription box in the sidebar, to my thrice weekly posts via your emailbox. And visit me on Instagram to see my daily pictures, friend me or like my page on Facebook. Or come find me on Twitter or Pinterest too. I am always practicing Intentional Intouchness so chat at me please. I live for conversations.

And, as always, Thanks to you for your visit.

There is More to Say in Silence

People have commented how they have heard the birds chirping more recently. I think the birds are chirping the same as they ever do but we’ve slowed our busy selves down enough to hear them. This pandemic is indeed causing a jarring shut down yet I understand that once you’ve stopped fighting the change, you start to become mindful of the silence. It’s a forced meditation.

I believe our overall society is too distracted from what truly matters. We would rather run away than just be with ourselves. We sit in the same room as our loved ones and escape through TV’s and headphones and devices. The family is endured but not necessarily enjoyed.

Because my husband and I are non-traditional age parents (old people with kids), we are in a better place to understand what a joy we have while it lasts with these children. I am always mindful of what they are experiencing and doing, always witnessing and recording their lives for them for later. And I can say that this forced time together has brought us closer in many ways I didn’t foresee.

Family values are about respecting ourselves and the choices we made to become parents. Parenting is about doing the best for them as well as for ourselves. And somehow, I think this quarantine and less busyness can be seen as a good thing if we take the time to listen in the silence to what our souls are asking us to hear. That we can respect ourselves, our boundaries, others’ boundaries, and still be in relationship to one another. In fact, we can take this opportunity to tell the truths we may not have heard over the din of the former “progress” we were making.

What do you hear now that the world has slowed to a halt? What do you realize you can not do without?

And If you enjoyed what you read, subscribe, via the subscription box in the sidebar, to my thrice weekly posts via your emailbox. And visit me on Instagram to see my daily pictures, friend me or like my page on Facebook. Or come find me on Twitter or Pinterest too. I am always practicing Intentional Intouchness so chat at me please. I live for conversations.

And, as always, Thanks to you for your visit.

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