I know everyone was worried about me this weekend but you needn’t have been. I was just throwing up on Saturday night. And since my husband’s puke-athon in Hawaii in November, he couldn’t stand to be around during my episodes, much less help. So after I finished each round of barfing, I got up and rinsed out my bucket myself.

That was followed by 36 hours of a morning sickness like feeling. But, Hey, I lost a pound or two. But today, I had another indignity visited upon me. Gassy butt from hell. Great billowing fart-gas clouds issued forth from my butt with such tenacity, I and my household were both impressed and frightened.Since a bunged-up bowel is an inevitable result of the dehydration from throwing up, I had taken a fiber pill. And today, I blew up like a helium balloon, completely unable to enjoy the space in my jeans I’d made from days of not really eating.

I had a lovely day talking and visiting with new friends and old. And I’m certain it might have taken some of that lovely away  had they heard or smelled the gargantuan toot-toots being emitted from this Mama’s derriere. Proudly, I didn’t flinch as I pinched them back just enough to muffle them into  the various chairs my butt was upon. I felt an almost giddy amazement in these continuous and relentless gaseous emanations. And not being caught was a little giddifying too.

I’m pretty sure I was unsuspected pubically for the most offensive day in my butt’s history since…well I don’t remember it ever being this bad. And if anyone did in fact notice, my sincerest apologies. But I wasn’t about to stay home today after being stuck in the house with an off of school six year old all of yesterday.

Be glad, the siege is now over. You don’t have to avoid me in public, really.

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