I prefer to live deep. I love thinking and pondering, considering and meditating. That deep kind of thinking that allows me to reach down into the roots of myself, into my creative soul, draw deeply from my intuition and come up quenched and real. As a mother, I get very little of that now. I live shallowly, twitching with the constant stimulus and reactions. This is parenting, and sometimes it feels like post traumatic stress disorder. Especially when there’s no good amount of time away or off.
You get used to what you live. One day at a time sometimes means one minute at a time. Crisis and resolution after crisis and resolution. Living in your everyday is surface living. It’s automatic, task-oriented, short-term, keeping everyone alive kinda choice making. And that just is.
But going into creative mode is where I thrive. There you can expand and follow your thoughts out and away. You cultivate your sparks into fires. You connect with your center, your core finding out where you are and where you are going. A spark can suddenly ignite and you know what the next six months will find you doing. This what is called creative flow.
Fits and spurts but don’t give up I tell myself. True, our children are only small for so long and then they leave to go live their lives. It’s feast or famine, expect it. But my soul is roaring, craving the time and depth to dive and seek. Making me feel short and mean sometimes. So I attempt again to cajole my needs out of my life. Harass my husband for some away time with the kids. Say a prayer for my creativity and my children.
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Ma savior during those times when my kids were younger was lunches with friends. I craved the social like you crave the creative alone time. I think life does get easier and your time seems to expand when you get a dose of what you need. Also, after all mine were in school, I began taking the first hour after they left for myself and it was amazing how peaceful I became. Hang on. It’s coming.
Oh I do try to make lots of those lunches Karen. In fact I have a day trip coming up on Sunday that will be well deserved. It’s the school thing like you said. She’s 3 so school is a long way away. And we really can only afford the two days of daycare for her. That’s two guaranteed days out of seven. That’s just not quite enough. It’ll happen eventually I know but nothing really helps except for the time alone, you know.
Love to you,
Yes! to a creative flow these next months. Your pink table photo is glorious – is that a cat in the middle? Ah, I love it. Can’t wait to see what you create this next mode – your last paragraph is awesome. Dawn xx
I looked at my husband, after he said I seemed a little irritated these days and said “Yes it may be hormones. But I think it’s more due to the fact that I’m not getting my alone creative time. And what can we do about that?” I’m working on it because I’m the kinda gal who will suffer for the troops and not demand time if I think the man making the money needs it instead. But not for the sake of my sanity.
Thank you for the compliment Dawn.
My world is full of ungraded papers… I want to find the creative flow in this work. Maybe tomorrow.