Losing It

Today, again, I found myself obsessing over the things that I have lost. Actual stuff, not conceptual stuff. I‘m still perplexed and vexed over the disappearance of my “new” camera. I owned it for year and then I think I must have hidden it from myself thinking someone could walk in the door and steal it. I created my destiny on the way to avoiding it. My house is pretty neat so who the f*** knows where it went.

Also on the loss casualty list was the new pair of shoes I bought for my son for school this year. I let him wear them before school and, Bam, they disappeared. I couldn’t buy another pair because I was sure I’d find them. For two months, my kid looked like a sad case. Finally I went back to K-mart and bought something, anything, else.

It all came to a head when I came home today and couldn’t find the clock battery I’d just bought. I dug through the trash looking for the cash receipt to see if I’d even bought it. My mood had become foul. I was obsessing on loss. And I had to stop myself.

I cajoled myself as I cleaned my kitchen sink, “Let it go, nothing is worth this kind of upset of my peace”. When something keeps reoccurring and upsets me a little too much, I tend to think there’s an indication of something bigger going on. I’m in a time of my life for loss to begin to happen. And this is the pre-qualify test period that I’m apparently failing.

I need to let go of the two times I’ve been overcharged recently. And let go of the youth I’ll never get back. I need to know that the longer I’m alive, the more likely I am to lose stuff and that it’s not personal, it’s just the law of averages. And then I need to make a loss list, stick it on the fridge, and expect to regularly post things to it. Next to it, I’m going to make a list of things I’ve gained. And see what list fills first. Perspective will be the first item on that gained list.