I was into my 50’s before I finally acknowledged that I was highly anxious. My hormonal shifts were messing with my brain chemistry making it worse. Every day was harder to get through without seeing problems I had to solve everywhere. I was solid for a while until weight gain had me switching meds and it’s been a roller coaster ride with the ups and downs of medication changes and real-life traumas.

I am nearly 3 weeks into my newest medication and thankfully, it is not causing my feet to itch or giving me horrible hot flashes. In fact, it’s decreased my hot flashes. But this process always reminds me of how all-encompassing and intrusive anxiety really is.

I know people encourage you to not treat your anxiety as an enemy. It is a large part of you that you earned with your pain and trauma. Yet I know it’s the basis for much of my life’s problems and try and try as I might to outsmart my anxiety and accept it, I could not get past it nor accept it. I couldn’t find the permission to do many of the things that make me happy. The anxiety debts me with overwhelm and never good enoughs. I get exhausted looking around at my world and seeing it all as one big mark against my doing it right.

Take That Anxiety: New Meds Again on Shalavee.com

Much of the work that I had done on educating myself and raising my esteem came in handy only after the medicine finally released me from fear’s spell. But talking at it and reasoning with my fear just never seemed to quell it. Only after I started anti-anxiety medication, I began to understand what I had learned about not abandoning myself. So understandably, I have some contempt for my anxiety as well as your anxiety if I see it’s getting in the way of us getting to know one another better.

I think of anxiety as an abusive boyfriend who will tell me anything he thinks I want to hear to not leave him. He says, No one will like what I’m doing or get me. I’ll be on my own so why not just stay at home with him? Until I figure him out and then he says, Oh well I was just trying to keep you safe!

This week, my new medication has me jumping up and doing the things that will spurn me to do more of the things that make me happy. Moving the energy around and taking care of myself. Entertaining my have tos equally as much as my want tos.

This shift happened because I told myself I am worth helping out of the dark anxiety hole I have lived in most all of my life, and I asked for help from my Nurse Practitioner. And feeling into what it feels like to consider what loving myself more may feel like.

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