I find myself once again, for the seemingly thousandth time, doubting my reason d’etre. I have been experiencing a bout of ennui, not feeling motivated or inspired by my life. Again.
Of course, it’s always The Fear Mother, the fiendish shadow in the soul that crawls in and darkens my thoughts. Casts spells of forgetfulness on my mind and abolishes any memory of what I found hope in.
I suppose this darkness inevitable. Like the seasons, it comes and goes. With my hormones, the amount of light I get, or recent adjustments to my medication, it shifts and glides sideways and backwards.
I shouldn’t be surprised. I’ve been here before. It may have looked different, but it felt the same.
Of course, it’s always Fear, the fiendish shadow in the soul that crawls in and darkens my thoughts. Casts spells of forgetfulness on my mind and abolishes any memory of what I found hope in.
No matter how clean I keep my house, well I feed my children, or often I create, it seems eventually I will experience the self-doubt storm. There’s a never enough reset point to say hello to again.
Life’s about finding your Why and making the steps towards it sustainable, yes. But it’s also about having the permission to do this. Being worth the effort. Honestly, most of us suffer from some sort of lack of self-esteem, except for the narcissists. They do to but their so obnoxious about it, I haven’t the room to care.
Many of us have come from “lesser than” families, from family trauma of some sort, and have resolved that we weren’t that important. Many are from places where there was no one to mirror us. We are all winging all of this.
Much of our achievements are then even more outstanding because of the height that we have risen from to even to look semi-normal.
So, I stop. Remind myself of all that I have fought to accomplish and to say. I resolve to forgive myself for not having gotten further or better at life by now. And I understand that I have no choice but to begin again. And I do.
Perhaps we should all assume that we’ll have to redefine ourselves on a regular basis. Maybe the trick is in expecting these times. To smile and welcome them when they come. Because the shadows are just temporary blockages to the light. We only need to await their passing to see what’s next.
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3 Comments
You’re an inspiration, Shalagh. Thank you so much for sharing your journey. I recognize so much it’s a relief. I started changing my diet in a similar way, more veggies, less sugar and carbs. Let’s see what that brings.
You name this fear and this feeling of insignificance so well. Feeling like my existence doesn’t matter, ouch. Yes. I know that one too. Thank you for your courage, even if it doesn’t resolve these feelings, it is good to not be alone with them.
Ennui exactly describes my world since I’ve retired. I have lost a part of my identity I took pride in, and can’t seem to find my way to purpose or joy. Your words describe my feelings so beautifully. My anxiety, depression, and “too much time” provide excuses for inaction. I heard a quote that fit me well, “There is nothing less motivating than having enough time.” Elyse Myers
Here’s to finding the energy to repair my mind and health. 🙂
Oh I’m so glad you left this comment Mel. I know how it feels to hear someone saying what you feel. I don’t think the depression/anxiety are excuses for the inaction. I believe they cause the inaction. I say fear is like an abusive boyfriend. It pretends to keep you =safe but it really is quite selfish. What? Oh I was just keeping you safe darling. I have enough body chemical confusion with switching anxiety meds and dropping the pill that I almost don’t know which end is up. The thing that you need to be doing is the thing that makes you feel good! Nothing else. No matter the energy, find resolve in feeling better because everyone benefits from you feeling happy and joyful.
Much Love to You my Friend,
Shalagh