I find myself once again, for the seemingly thousandth time, doubting my reason d’etre. I have been experiencing a bout of ennui, not feeling motivated or inspired by my life. Again.
Of course, it’s always The Fear Mother, the fiendish shadow in the soul that crawls in and darkens my thoughts. Casts spells of forgetfulness on my mind and abolishes any memory of what I found hope in.
I suppose this darkness inevitable. Like the seasons, it comes and goes. With my hormones, the amount of light I get, or recent adjustments to my medication, it shifts and glides sideways and backwards.
I shouldn’t be surprised. I’ve been here before. It may have looked different, but it felt the same.
Of course, it’s always Fear, the fiendish shadow in the soul that crawls in and darkens my thoughts. Casts spells of forgetfulness on my mind and abolishes any memory of what I found hope in.
Life’s about finding your Why and making the steps towards it sustainable, yes. But it’s also about having the permission to do this. Being worth the effort. Honestly, most of us suffer from some sort of lack of self-esteem, except for the narcissists. They do to but their so obnoxious about it, I haven’t the room to care.
Many of us have come from “lesser than” families, from family trauma of some sort, and have resolved that we weren’t that important. Many are from places where there was no one to mirror us. We are all winging all of this.
Much of our achievements are then even more outstanding because of the height that we have risen from to even to look semi-normal.
So, I stop. Remind myself of all that I have fought to accomplish and to say. I resolve to forgive myself for not having gotten further or better at life by now. And I understand that I have no choice but to begin again. And I do.
Perhaps we should all assume that we’ll have to redefine ourselves on a regular basis. Maybe the trick is in expecting these times. To smile and welcome them when they come. Because the shadows are just temporary blockages to the light. We only need to await their passing to see what’s next.
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