I tossed a look up at the top shelf of the closet where the skinny butt pants get parked. Those are the ones that don’t quite fit yet; perhaps may never fit again. And I caught sight of the several pairs of truly nice high heels I own. And it struck me: I’m never going to be the person who teeters about on those heels and hurts herself. And I’ve decided I’m giving her walking papers and some shoes to walk out the door with. I’m breaking up with the parts of me that never were.
Yes, I am letting go of those three-inch Nine West boots I bought for a song and wore once. The delicate Spanish sling backs I had the heel tips replaced on. I’m letting go of who I thought I might become in favor of the person I seem to be actually becoming.
There has been a lot of progress and change happening on the inside and on the outside in recent years and months. Where I used to keep stuff because I wanted to see if I’d become the person who owned it, I now realize I am already me. And the slowly becoming skinnier me can call the shots on weeding through that wardrobe. Because she likes herself and no longer has to become someone else to be liked by others.
While not returning to myself , stagnating and basking in my fear, I was confused about who I was. About who I might become. Kept wishing someone would just tell me already so I could stop guessing and buying clothing and shoes that weren’t quite right.
Now that I’ve provided myself with the hope of happiness in my own skin, I realize that I know the answer to the question, “Do these pants make me look fat?” although my perception of my butt can change depending on how I feel about myself, there are pants that look good on me and pants that don’t and I think I know which ones those are.
As for uncomfortable shoes, they suck. And plenty of shoes are handsome and comfortable. You may just have to look a little harder and be willing to spend a little more for them but heck if you don’t deserve them.
So glad to finally be at a place where I have enough perspective to make choices to purge and declutter all these former “possibilities”. With the clarity in one realm, I feel certain that clarity will spill over into many more. And I won’t be standing here wondering who I am and what I’m supposed to do/look like/suffer through too much longer.
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