We had brownies with candles.

And we blew them out altogether. A ritual we’ve kept on New Year’s Eve for the past several years. Except our family was separated this year. So, we got to it several days later…

This year hasn’t begun as smoothly as I hoped for.

I wish…

That the time I felt was due me for relaxation and time alone had come through.

That I was able to be here with myself, for myself. I guess this is the same story I keep telling myself.

I need to take care of all my loved ones, and there’s no time left for me.

I wish that I had been born to another family, one I think my sister shares.

That I didn’t feel this way.

I wish on Shalavee.comI am tired. I am used up and I’m uncertain as to how to recover myself from this flaming car wreck that was my mother’s sudden uprooting and my immediate responsibility. She got really sick this week and I had to take her to the doctor today to make sure she didn’t die from pneumonia.

I want to be here for my children and my husband and myself and my mother but there just isn’t enough of me to go around. I don’t want to feel guilty. I want to do the right thing. I wish that I could see the answer and the boundaries easily. But I am a woman bound by my internal programming to take care of EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING.

What would I be without this superpower? Would I be powerless. Would I be human? Would I be a good mother, wife, and daughter?

The answers to these questions hold my fate.

Meanwhile I want to escape my life with wine and Jack Ryan episodes.

This is some big stuff here. There is a better way to do this. But I have yet to discover what it is.

I hope that I will be able to write more positive blog posts soon.


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