On December 22nd of this year, 2022, I had an essay published online. Titled The Major Aha Moment When I Stopped Fixating on Fixing Myself, you can read it HERE. I had submitted this to the Tiny Buddha blog back in September before the melee of Mom’s move and the Holiday gauntlet. Lori shot back such a warm email saying yes to publishing it, I was floored. And then I sat back and waited to hear back for when.
Fast forward, or in my case go extremely slowly until you get to the pinnacle of the Christmas holiday season, and I hear back from Lori of the Tiny Buddha website. She’s suggesting some edits. I shuffled more mom moving business and holiday hubbub with several rounds of edits. Yet, knowing I’d soon be published ignited a little ember of pride in my creative soul and that made the worst not as bad.
What I didn’t expect was the sudden onslaught of people to come and follow my Shalavee blog. And I received the nicest email from someone who’d stuck around on the site to read what I’d written. I received so many lovely accolades from my online community, I was brimming with pride and hope. And in that moment, I realized that it’s only me holding me back from putting myself out into the world.
Well, I knew that, but had I not risked asking, I wouldn’t have suddenly felt like maybe there’s a forward to my future. I still have much to say. And I seem to be the only one doubting the quality of my writing despite receiving so many compliments. In fact, I even received one from my father. What?
And then my word of the upcoming year stood in front of me and waved hello. Allow. I suppose it’s akin to permission but it’s slightly gentler. If I believe in the work that I do and the art that I make, then others will too.
Michael Jackson’s words from Wanna Be Startin’ Somethin’ hit me today.
“I said you wanna be startin’ somethin’
You got to be startin’ somethin’…
Lift your head up high
And scream out to the world
I know I am someone
And let the truth unfurl
No one can hurt you now
Because you know what’s true
Yes, I believe in me
So you believe in you “
My future forward still includes my blog and writing more essays to submit. It includes me continuing to tell me truth in my honest way that I do. And it means listening to all the wise things I’ve said with a new set of ears. Ones that value what they’re hearing instead of devaluing. And it means connecting with others through my words and their words. I have found an ember again and I thank Lori the editor and myself for making that pride happen.
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