Within the past couple weeks, it has come to my attention that I believe I am both not enough and too much simultaneously. The combination of my not enough and too muchness leaves me standing outside myself feeling homeless from my own soul. How ridiculous, I think, when I have so many blessings and so much opportunity to live happily. But even so, it also feels true.
My devotion to uncovering a better truth has me wanting to dig deeper to undo this “truth”. I value my devotion to wanting to provide quality contributions to the world but the idea that nothing I have is good enough is just stupid. If enough is something which I get to define, than my enough definition needs an overhaul.
To me, enough truly means…
- My family and I are fed and aren’t in danger
- I speak from an authentic a place
- What I choose to do and say aligns with my values of honesty and generosity
- Believing that whatever happens, the world has my back eventually
- I still have hope
- My family and friends support and love me
Recently, I bought a book titled Needy penned by Mara Glatzel. A few pages in, as she’s speaking about how she felt unworthy of asking for her needs to be met as a child because she understood that she was too much, I had one of those Aha moments. I can easily accuse myself of being both to loud and too truthful. I take up too much space when I am me and so I learned how to shrink within to a room I have been awkwardly occupying for a very long time. I don’t recognize the space outside awaiting me because I haven’t been aware I was even in there.
When I live for what I perceive to be your definition of me, I fail myself immediately. That being just and only me is enough for this world. And not being me is keeping the world from getting enough of me.
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On Instagram Through pictures and words, I creatively share my real life with a community of interested ears. I also write Notes to the Wise, a new IG page I made to spark and have conversations of a soulful sort.
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