I keep getting flashes of my home as a child. They’re not infused with any specific memory but they feel significant. Like they’re guideposts to a thing that I’m doing now. I think my heart and brain are building a bridge to a place called Home. And that place is inside me.
From the fabulous movie Garden State:
Andrew Largeman: You know that point in your life when you realize the house you grew up in isn’t really your home anymore? All of a sudden even though you have some place where you put your shit, that idea of home is gone.
Sam: I still feel at home in my house.
Andrew Largeman: You’ll see one day when you move out it just sort of happens one day and it’s gone. You feel like you can never get it back. It’s like you feel homesick for a place that doesn’t even exist. Maybe it’s like this rite of passage, you know. You won’t ever have this feeling again until you create a new idea of home for yourself, you know, for your kids, for the family you start, it’s like a cycle or something. I don’t know, but I miss the idea of it, you know. Maybe that’s all family really is. A group of people that miss the same imaginary place.
Sam: [cuddles up to Andrew] Maybe.
Maybe my brain is telling me that what I’ve created, my family and this house we occupy is home. That I need to acknowledge the greatness of this effort. And that I need to come to roost spiritually, emotionally right here. I need to roost in the credit of the efforts I’ve already made. And see what that comfort of accomplishment feels like. There’s no need to feel homelessness, like an outcast anymore when I only have to open the door to the place I already am. Perhaps I need to renovate my vision of where I already am.
Or maybe it’s all this talk of redoing the entrance hall from a year ago, because that is so representative of the first impression of home, this new home I’m craving to call mine. Where I am safe and represented. Where my internal little girl can move in and relax now. Because besides the flashes of my childhood home hallway, I keep seeing the views into my childhood room. And how much that dark closet door needs repainting.
(Inspired by a newsletter sent out by life coach Sass Pethrick. I’d share with you but I threw it out too quickly. I was left with a clean mailbox and a concept I couldn’t shake.)
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