Today I gave my collaging a break. Wanted to artfully describe the frustration, the real feelings I feel when I go to create and I can’t. I wrote posts instead. And I also wanted to share the other art that’s happened so far. Let the catharsis continue. Create or die trying.
Hands poised over the keyboard, a hovering potential of something to come in the space between. Then…The horrible screeching of toddler joined by an unskilled clarinet honk.
My nerves already frazzly. “Why is she crying” I scream.
“Put it away, it’s not a toy.”
No nap is inevitable. I’m foretelling the same tired future. More raw nerves.
Mommy. Mommy. Mommy. Twitch twitch twitch.
Seems so easy to do the laundry, clean, and sometimes even cook. These can be accomplished, or interrupted, without a broken heart. No worries, the dirt doesn’t care. A mostly clean house most of the time means I’m winning. No need for inspiration and a muse, vacuum on.
But the art cares.
Tragedy is being so close to the escape of your heart, you will soon soar and disappear and then…”Mommy, I poopy!” I’m afraid my brain will seize up from the grief of stopping. I’m afraid my dashed expectations will paralyze me. Make me more angry, the fury at the helplessness. I am bloated with my fear and my potential.
I’ll just try tomorrow…when there’s time…when there’s space…when I can think…when I’m not afraid.
The creativity challenge continues as does thirty-one days straight of posts. To be continued.
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We are hardest on ourselves, with all you have going on during your day you manage to blog and create. I am genuinely in awe.
Thank you so much Karen! And I just discussed with my talking doctor yesterday that I don’t ever seem to be reaching a bar and giving myself credit because I haven’t created one. So I’ll be working on that and soaking up the accomplishment pride more as she suggests I need to. So glad you stopped in to say something because that is always a gift to everyone you give it to.
I know those days…whether it’s a child in need or just another mundane disruption that again takes me out of the groove I was so close to getting into. I also know that feeling of being full with potential and nowhere to go. I just try to hang onto it, try again the next day…but yeah, I know.
I know you know. Although you managed to publish a book?! I know you know and I really really appreciate you letting me know because the not being alone part is really important. Wondering if you’ve gotten your studio space yet. Because there’s no blog to tell on yourself all the time and no pictures on Instagram in a while. Tag me when it happens. Please.
Wow, I love that collage, Shalagh. I bet you can work magic. As far as toddlers go, I think it’s the most exhausting phase of motherhood. Soon, you will have time. For now, I say enjoy those moments when you can do it and don’t beat yourself up for not getting it all done. Really, there’s always more you can do, right? So, just enjoy those creative times when you have them. Love ya, Amy
I think that is fair and lovely advice Amy. When we obsess about stuff, it ends up giving it more power. I agree. Enjoy what you can and do do. (hee hee) and let go of the rest.