This Week in My Head: On Fighting the Fear and the Pain

A brain spill is a great place to start. And to keep a real face here, this is what I wrote to myself this past week. I have gone through some physical and mental pain and fear which, after sitting with it, has kicked my butt into gear a little.

Fighting to stop the pains in my body, physical and mental. Pain causes fear. Fear causes anxiety. This is my living through the lesson about how “pain means something” and the resolution to rid myself of it takes work. Am I worth fighting for? Because the answer to this question will decide the next step.

Planning is still up to me. I’ve made the next round of physical doctor’s appointments and now I wait for them.

Struggling with finding my footing here in this very place. Wishing to bloom into this amazing space I’ve created (space and time to work distraction free with cool air this summer, story to come). A place where I vanquished my demons enough to write and write and write until I found, and continue to find, my voice. Where I make friends, and create support networks online and in person. Where I’ve systematically rid myself of the excuses that were in my way. And now it’s a struggle to stand in this space and see if for what it is.

And now I am again standing dumbfounded and fear-riddled staring at the next step.

I know it’s time for a call, a scream for me and my worth. 

To count all the blessings.

A Vision board.

To come back around to hope again. 

That I need to do for myself exactly the things that I would suggest others do is true.

I’m smack in that cycle that Sass describes in her Self-Doubt Loop. I’m at the end of the part where I bemoan my inaction and start to gather my hope and speed back up. Maybe its perfect timing. 

Sass suggests finding a totem to remind me of that feeling/place I am working toward. And to consider my life’s work as a devotion. To commit to it as a given. And in return the devotion of my time and effort will give back to me with opportunities and miracles. Read her recent post here and feel free to wander in her happy space for more insight.

Time for me to no longer stay lost but to be found.

Yes I am sometimes Battling Against the Becoming. But that is a part of the cycle. Is this a cycle you go through too?

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And, as always, Thanks to you for your visit.

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