It hit me as I was doing that treadmill thing I couldn’t this morning, I’m suffering from the “waiting around for someone to tell me what to do” syndrome. I read, and noted somewhere, women seem to wait for someone else’s permission to follow their hearts and make their goals. Be it writing that great novel or learning how to tap dance, many of us are good girls and as such, we wait our turn and do what’s expected of us. We are the supporting cast. While it smarts to name it, I can truly own it. Seems I need permission for my dreams.
I feel like I’m waiting for the perfect someone, someone who can just figure me out and then tell me what to do. Then I’ll have a map of how to move on. I’m still stuck in a phase of perpetual possibility. I gather and gather information of what ifs and stay in a state of overwhelmed but informed confusion. I say I don’t have enough time and perspective to gain a good overview of my “what ifs”. But I suspect it’s that I’m afraid and not allowed to grant myself permission to choose something, anything and move on. I need to be perfectly defined before I move on.
What I want to be doing is telling others what I see myself to be and if they’d like to support me, great. Proudly showing my view of my life, however flawed or wrongly directed it is, and invite people to follow my journey and support me and interact with me along the way. Because life is a lonely journey but it isn’t. Everyone that has come and commented has contributed to my journey. Everyone. My new motto needs to be ‘Go ahead and do it even if it’s wrong and drag witnesses with you.’ Although I wouldn’t be adverse to some professional coaching at any time, I think I need to just decide some stuff and move it, move it.
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I’m constantly stuck in trying to balance so many things in my life. Writing takes a backseat, often. What I tell myself, is that I deserve it. I need to make it a priority. No one is going to do that for me at all. It’s touch because it requires a lot of discipline. I think once I get on board, I will do it! I think I’m going to do NaNoWriMo this year for that reason. Why don’t you do it? Want to? We can encourage each other.
Wow Amy!! Yes, I think that is a freaking wonderful idea. I was so impressed when you did that, what, a couple of years ago? I accept your Nananabooboo challenge. Hook me up with the details in an email. For me it’s writing and crafting that take a backseat. And things will free up when Fiona starts going to daycare a couple of days a week next March. I am burning the late night oil sometimes just to play catch up. Woohoo!