Once upon a time, I was the gal who had started a blog with no idea what she thought she was doing. I floundered and almost gave up and then I finally found a rhythm in my writing. I had an overachieving phase. I played with all sorts of fun features on my blog. After my daughter’s birth, I slowed down, and things thinned out as I began to think about what it all meant.

I mustn’t lock up for the not knowing,

and just keep going.

I eventually began revamping my blog but there was an implosion. All progress ceased and I settled on just writing to keep afloat. All my ideas vanished and all the ways in which the blog went out to the world vanished. Auto-posting to Facebook and other social media ceased.

I was writing but I was hiding too.

I began again to think that I’d like to make a new go of a revamp and that took another two and a half years during the pandemic.

This latest push was a little obligatory as I admit, I have lost some passion. Where once I had grand intelligent ideas about the inverse effect of anxiety and creativity, and a gusto for mindfulness, I have forgotten myself since. 

This could be fear masquerading as lack of care and forgetfulness. Fear’s done worse. And sometimes I feel like I’m trying so hard to see myself as I should, the way I need everyone to see me, that it’s like spider vision. There are multiple screens up at once with the different people I’m supposed to be, and I don’t know how to integrate them all.

Change is truly tough. We need compassion to fuel our efforts. We need people to cheer us on. Nothing is ever as easy as it seems. Nor as hard.

So, in an effort and spirit of Forward, my word of the year, I am here pushing on in action figure mode, sometimes making calls to talk the scary stuff and sometimes taking a breather. I get overwhelmed, doubting that I can hold all of this work in my life at once. But cliched as it sounds, I keep just taking it one day at a time. What the heck else can I do?

I have to not lock up for not knowing, and just keep going.


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