I’m noticing the almost compulsive wish to relax. To go about life with a devil may not even care attitude. I want to function without the alarms. I want to feel like I’m floating about on a leather couch through life and everything is A-OK. I have moments of this but I selfishly want more.
This was my revelation today. I’m redeveloping my public functioning. I am much more comfortable with me these days and that’s because of my “I let go of what other people were thinking” mode of living. I am highly aware about how much more relaxed I am joking with strangers. I like who I am more.
I simultaneously like and want more of the feeling like everything’s good and there’s not as much to worry about. Because for most of my life, I’ve thought that everything’s not Ok and it all sucks and at any moment there’ll be something bad happening so I might as well be ready.
Old ways of strife and anxiety are hard to let go of. Last week I wrote about how having everything good makes me equally nervous. You live and create what you are used to. And this process of creating a life that I can only imagine I’m entitled to have, a life filled with happiness and ease? This is me doing so on Faith. I imagine how it would be to
And then I follow that feeling. I create a life and make the choices to get there based on a feeling I want. It’s called following you intuition. And it’s hard but very possible.
I want a buffer zone. I want to feel like I’m on that big cushy creamy leather couch. I want to absolutely know that what you say to me can not touch my soul unless I choose for it to. I want to know I have my back everywhere all the time. And I don’t think these are too much to ask.
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