The theme of my recent therapy sessions has been value. What is my value? How do I see my value? Because having low self-esteem often means invisibility. That my value has often been imperceptible to me. I do not see what others see and this has kept me standing still while the world seems to zoom past me.
If I valued myself, then I would ask that others do the same of me. I’d be able to offer what I make/do for people to buy and not just take. Because it had value. The concept of being a business is still so foreign, disdainful even. But I feel that art has value. I believe vehemently in fact in the value of aesthetics and art in people’s lives. I just didn’t see this relating to me. Until it did.
Blindly, I had based my value quite heavily on what others saw and valued in me. But things go terribly wrong when we act from a need to be liked. And then suddenly, I was offered an opportunity to see what I truly valued in myself when someone told me that what I had created wasn’t of value. At first I doubted myself, my talent. I respected their opinion. There must be something I’d overlooked.
But as I continued to consider what I’d created, I realized I value my design ability and my knack for making visual impact. I had done the very best work I could and I was proud of it. And I pulled myself back out from under those bus wheels.
I am grateful beyond words to have been given an opportunity to reclaim my value. To take it back out the pocket of another and put it into mine for safer keeping. My inner artist is a sensitive soul, yes. And I believe there is some work to be done around fortifying my artist heart. But I can say that I will be watching very closely where I’m receiving my valuable esteem from. And when others say,”You are a really good writer” or artist or designer, I’m gonna say,”Thank you” because I knew that and it’s nice to be reminded and recognized for being who you already know yourself to be.
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3 Comments
I am so glad you asked us to go read your latest posts. I can relate so much to this one too. I am so used to doubting myself and trusting others that it has taken years for me to trust my own perceptions. This also made me think of the chapter from Tara Mohr’s book Playing Big about Unhooking from Praise and Criticism. So helpful for me to remember to keep my value out others pocket’s like you said.
Yayyy that you got this one. This was a recent lesson that was heart rending. But I grew so much from it that I found myself thankful for the opportunity to hurt. Thank you again for reading this one too!
Love,
Shalagh
It has taken me a long time to realize I am devaluing myself. Not because of low self-esteem but just being outrageously hard on myself. This is something I need to remind myself of every single day. Pull myself out of the mire. Why are we so tough on ourselves?!?