Pride and Shame

I crave that feeling of pride I get when I complete a project that was a little challenging. I want the pride that little kids wear on their faces after they draw a picture and come to show you it. I felt that way this weekend when I staged a beautiful Garden Party along with a substantially revamped garden. But before that, all I felt was shame for that garden.

Yesterday I considered that the opposite of pride is shame. I can tell myself that I should be doing such and such and feel ashamed that I am not making progress on that “should” task. It’s impostor syndrome and fear of success all rolled up into a “I’m wasting my talents every day” thing. But it is Shame all the same.

I do not feel I am as bold as my male counterpart with that BS bravado that says, “Sure I Can Do That !”. I believe there’s an undercurrent in society that encourages men to be fearless and love themselves and sabotages women with esteem issues and the need to take care of everyone else but ourselves.

Our creative female nature is a gift and yet we are discouraged from it. And so creativity is shameful. But I feel such an amount of pride when I create. My art and my children are my honest creations which fuel me with pride. That lets me know that creativity is the place and the voice I want to proudly live inside. And the shame feelings are a warning that I need to rewrite the doom spell I have cast.

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