In exercise class, I stand behind someone so that I don’t have to see myself in the wall of mirror. I try not to linger in my own sight for too long in the bedroom mirror. There are shirts in my closet that I don’t want to wear because they either are too form fitting to my belly or too big as to hide it and make me look like I’m wearing a sack.
And this morning I thought, Why do I feel ashamed of my body? Did I do something wrong to cause this shame? Am I guilty of going through menopause and the pandemic lockdown and gaining weight? How much control do I truly have? Does a person really need to feel like they’ve committed a crime for gaining weight? Do I need to explain myself or can it just be?
Why do I feel ashamed of my body?
Did I do something wrong to cause this shame?
Except for that one week when I had an intestinal bug and lost 5 pounds, I’ve been over 190 pounds. Now Know that I’ve been logging my food and beverage consumption for 722 meals straight. I’ve been at the gym every week dancing and lifting weights. Sure I indulge in too much wine and I stay up late sometimes but this plateau is just unbelievable. I am always doing something, yet every day all I feel is shame that I’m the same. And not the same me I was even several years ago.
We see ourselves through cruel lenses. Valuing ourselves not for what we know and do but for what we look like. Yes, there’s always a little bit of us seeing ourselves though the male viewfinder. But is it a male or a female game causing the shame? Maybe I am really looking at myself through the judgment of the female lens as unacceptable? And doesn’t that mean then that I can’t be trusted to not judge others for the way they carry their weight too?
I have more questions than answers but there’s a Rat in My Kitchen. I can not continue on this self-loathing path. I know the only way out is through. And I know I can only change things when I have accepted where I am. Compassion is Key.
I will stay committed to continue thinking about this and sharing my thoughts as that’s all I know how to do.
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