I worked through a bout of plummeting self-esteem today. I’d reached out to someone to connect but they truly didn’t have the time. I wasn’t going to be an asset to their life. And when I came away empty-handed, I sorta spun out. Why had I even risked the ask for the rejection. I was hoping to have a connection, perhaps some help. Now there was nothing. I felt embarrassed and shaken. I know I have something to give but they don’t. I was cool but it was weird.

Monkey mind on shalavee-staging-1.local

To combat the sudden bad feelings, I went upstairs and got to work on the next piece for my floral design project, multiple pieces for a Christmas house-tour. I listened to myself as I worked. Maybe I want the legitimacy or the validation of the collaboration with people who are already doing something. But I don’t really need other people to confirm my work for it to be truly valuable. Just as I don’t need my writing published to know it’s good. Or to sell artwork to be an artist.These would be nice but aren’t necessary.

For fifteen minutes I heard my inner voice as it swerved and careened around and headed straight into “I can’t do any of this”. Then it climbed up on top of  “I can do anything I decide I can do.” I was almost amused as I heard my esteem bouncing up and down. The brain is spastic and fickle like the monkey mind analogy. I am what I decide I am until I decide differently. Why not decide on the side of capability. That I am an island I am still exploring instead of a small craft in a stormy sea.

Thankfully, I am just self-aware enough that I stood there with those wiggly weird feelings. I allowed them to be there and I watched them roll out and around and back in. I kept working on my floral designs and my sad furtive feelings gradually receded. I had not overreacted. I’d allowed them their time. And I’d been wise enough to recognize that. Hope this gives you permission to do the same.

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  1. Good for you! Not only did you let the at odds feeling have their due, you created while the battle was waged and moved on!

    1. It was sorta odd and exactly what “self-awareness” is supposed to look like. Like lucid dreaming, an odd consciousness of something you are otherwise oblivious to Shannon.

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