It happens less often, but it still happens. I have sudden wobbly patches, self-doubt storms that descend on my thoughts and life journey and stop everything cold. Takes me time to recover, to understand what I was thinking and the fallacies I was trying to uphold. And then I begin again from where I left off, again in earnest. I am nothing if not earnest.
I have long thought that these humanity patches proved that I was just not leader material. My propensity for derailing, not following through with goals and plans I’d made to be the best somebody was proof of my unworthiness. But what I’ve discovered is that these stumblings are exactly what makes me a true leader instead.
I thought in order to be a good leader, blogger, mother, professional, artist, etc., I had to be a certain set of adjectives. I can’t say I’d written out in detail exactly what these adjectives were but I had to be them. So I was holding myself to a set of undefined standards that I would never fulfill. Um what? I assumed there was always more to being any of these things than I was capable of being. Ideals I’d never be able to live up to. I would never possibly be a complete being, unable to perform or achieve enough, my failings would just be my shameful secret and I’d just rather underachieve than have everyone find out my “Not Enoughness”.
What joy I can say I feel in writing these words. Because I have discovered that I have moved just far enough from this perspective to see it and know it’s a bunch of bunk. And that to truly be trusted by yourself or the world, you have to be willing to actually be yourself, imperfections, blown ideals, and not enoughness wide open for you to laugh at. If I laugh at that, you’d not be inclined to criticize me for it but rather admire me for my bravery. And then we’d be fellow humans.
So here’s to finally allowing room for my humanity in my life’s van barreling down the road. I’ve got plenty of room for everyone in here. Underachievers and perfectionists welcome. We break for streams of consciousness, doubt rivers, and will climb the mountains of self-doubt to stand and look back on where we’ve come from. Join me please in a journey all ready in progress.
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