It’s Sunday again and I’m missing the Walking Dead series on AMC again. When the door slams shut on that pre-parent life, one can feel a little isolated. Lost in my life without my cozy routine. My last baby had me reeling, read and remember with the Post Partum depression post. Thankfully, I have more support this time around. So many people in my life forming this amazing net that has surrounded me with well wishes beyond belief. Support network good.
I have dealt with the chaos and change as best a Virgo can. I pick up and clean the kitchen in the morning and spend the rest of the day trying to fold one basket of laundry. It’s that one foot nailed to the ground kinda feeling. I’m Sisyphus rolling the boulder up the hill in Tartarus only to have it roll down again, over and over again. The most dreadful punishment is futile labor. Didn’t I just wash this (fill in the blank)?
The newborn Mommy thing is a lot like being under house arrest. And not the Charlie Sheen driving a mini-cooper around my château kinda house arrest. But tonight, I busted free and I ran an errand without the baby. Just up to the liquor store for dinner vino. But the glee I felt as I left the house with the husband holding the baby and the Mom heating up the dinner, it was giddy glee.
The store was empty. The wine was on sale. And she carded me! The birds were singing happy springtime songs when I left the store. The store is just two blocks away but I felt like I’d driven miles. I have put on a good face but it would seem I’ve been a little more affected by the baby comes to stay at my house thing. And not in the ways people want to think. I hadn’t considered the fear of tethering would reoccur.
Why would I expect myself to completely sublimate my independence for absolute devotion? Unless to become a nun? Yes, I want my child to feed from the trough of “booby milk is best”. But there is a definite struggle sometimes to not want to be writing or making pretty things for those hours instead. Some sublimation is expected but I’m no Stepford Mama.
So starting in another month, I hope to get a pump and occasionally pack Fiona’s lunch in a bottle. I am OK with allowing others to feast on her loveliness for short periods of time. And taking a leisurely stroll through the grocery store alone sounds like Heaven. Or a run or a coffee date or a drive in the country…
Thank goodness for the internet huh?! And the support network. And chocolate 🙂
If you knew me back when Wendy, you would find it hysterical that me and the internet ever started going steady. Chocolate cake accompanied by a glass of red wine is even better. Yay support networks and garments.
I could feel your soul and mine reflected in this Shalagh, my insides were doing lurches of recognition. Like me you’re a creative soul and need to write for your sanity (and the good of the family!). Being ‘tethered’ even for precious baby is the hardest thing in the world in my opinion. Folding one basket of laundry a day is more than enough housework for you to be doing right now. The important thing is you are on the right side of it, you made it through and incredibly you are managing to keep your blog up beautifully too. Very inspiring : ) Btw thank you for that beautiful comment on my blog today, as if you didn’t have enough to be doing : ) Very very sweet of you
Thank you Jane. I am making whatever effort I can because otherwise I feel like I’m sinking into the silent water deeper. The folding of the laundry is nothing, although the amount of laundry is surprising. I forgot how you can have an extra spewy day and everything gets hit. I know I have it in my hair today. My rhythm is being established. My expectations readjusted. I knew it was coming. But the sleep deprivation isn’t making anything better. What is enough? I am happy though. I am thinking of you. Posting a post with a nod to you soon.
Hang in there!
Friday’s coming. Oh that’s right. The kid’s got spring break and we’ve nothing to do but stare at eachother. Playdate anyone?
Ah, the glorious freedom of that first trip alone. You’ve captured it so beautifully. I know there’s women who didn’t want to leave their babies — well, I saw them on tv so they might exist — but that air just seems sweeter that first time for me…and every other mother I know.
Did we not take those years of self-centered singleness for granted or what? Thanks for knowing.
Still groovin’ on those years of self-centered singleness…funny how the utilities and the landlord don’t care about my spinsterhood – they all still have their hands out. Love the pics. Such gorgeous little cameo shots. I want a huge pic of the air plant. Really lovely.
There was a turning point going on here when I realized that gorgeous photography doesn’t have to correspond with the words. Thank you so much for noticing.