Sitting on my couch in my bay window bathed in morning light, I just saw a hummingbird hovering outside the window. Midsummer will be buzzing outside soon and the oppressive heat has broken for the moment. I heard the daughter go back to sleep above me in her bedroom. Sigh.
I have emerged from an eight month haze full of doubt and listening, healing from a self-inflicted trauma, to a new place. Perhaps it was a period of grief as I let go of ways of mistreating myself that no longer served me. Allowing myself to just Be and See while doing only that which I wanted to do has created a sense of safety.
I am very concertedly focusing on seeing what everyone else values in me and valuing it too. Connecting to others and appreciating them as they appreciate me is such a natural action, so easy that I wonder what took me so long.
Yes, part of this is the gift of medication to calm the whiny anxiety buzz in my brain. And part of this is letting go of beliefs that no longer serve me. Listening to the logic of humanity, kindness, and self-compassion and making changes that serve these purposes.
We all must go at our own pace for our own purposes. And honoring this has been my goal. And suddenly I find myself in a place of choice and “Can Do” that I do not remember being in before. It’s slightly terrifying and very powerful listening to your self as a kind and strong parent.
So I will continue to place Shoulds in a box to stew in their own toxic juices. And I ask every day, “What do I want to do?”. What feels like hope and joy and fun. Then let me go do that.
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