Through the work of the magnificent Sas Pethrick, I received a huge aha about myself recently. I took her quiz on my self-doubt archetype and, BAM, I was exposed. I do have a tough time believing I can do the hard things. I do believe I need someone’s help for everything or it’s impossible. And I know that I am very vulnerable to any criticism. I do procrastinate to avoid proving how unqualified I am at being an adult. She said I was an Innocent archetype. And she was spot on. While I am optimistic, loyal, and spontaneous, I struggle with self-doubt and self-belief.
Although I have begun to heal some of this behavior (I no longer time-debt and have begun proving I can do hard things, see the Wholehearted Living story I wrote for Terri Connelan’s Quiet Writing blog), I can feel the oppressive shadow of doubt looming. A constant companion that no longer serves. So, two days ago I set myself to creating vignette pictures for a blog site revamp that’s held me hostage for years.
As I stood there looking down at all these little pieces of flowers and whatnots and began to arrange them and take pictures, the chatter began. Negative comments about how the light wasn’t right or how I wasn’t sure if this was how I needed to do it “right”. And I made myself stand there and continue to work through those mean nuisances that were my thoughts. Kept standing and kept rearranging and kept taking pictures. Until I was done. And I felt better. My resistance was futile as I drove through it.
The next day, I sat at the computer and I began to edit and upload the pictures. And I felt better as I did this because I saw how pretty my pictures were. I did a good job of doing the work and driving through the wreck that was my self-doubt storm. Every time I do the hard things, I kindle a spark of trust inside for my reliability and my ability. And that feels like pride. Stay tune for the results of a long long road to my self-recovery.
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