What you are about to read for the next few days of posts is the story I have just lived which transpired this Summer, 2017. I began to tell this story when I wrote Catching up and Telling the Truth . This post referring to my childhood was the most painful because I wrote it during the doubt storm. And as you read the next few posts, you will see how I am processing, what happened, and how I’m making use of the worst of moments to make the better ones come.
I was injured as a child. Not the sort of injury you’d necessarily see but one that has left me debilitated in ways that I feel today. At this very moment. In my soul. I am unworthy of the world and this is an overwhelming wound to heal.
It is true that I have come an immense distance in elevating my self-esteem from a pretty low place. A place where I allowed others to treat me like poop on their shoes. Depending on the day, I struggle with some of the simplest acts of validation. And I can’t always fake my way through. And I do not feel I have moved on at all.
I have a struggle to see myself as I truly am. I always see what I don’t know and what I haven’t achieved. And thus, I don’t feel I have the authority to tell anyone anything if I am still here struggling. But maybe humanity is begging for us to just be human again.
Maybe most of us just want the truth, no matter how ugly it is. We just want to know that other people struggle so our struggle isn’t as much of a big deal. So I am here talking myself down off the ledge I’m teetering on yet again and these are the truths I came up with today.
I have knowledge that I have gained which has moved me on considerably in my life. I am not anxiety free but I am 75% there.
The truths that I have discovered for myself may be of help to others.
I want to find purpose. I do not care about making money. However, if charging something for what I know makes it seem more valuable so that people may actually use it, I would be amenable to asking for compensation.
Other people’s sharing of their knowledge has no reflection on my knowledge and worth. They do not deserve my judgement for marching to their own beats. And whether you call yourself a life coach or not doesn’t matter if you can genuinely help people and want to help them. Neither the title or the training legitimizes a person’s work.
I have no clue what I ultimately want to do in my life. Every time I think I might have sorted it out, I question my motives, my knowledge, my to do list, and my fears come in to shut me down again.
So I’ve decided to give myself permission to not know this week. I’m literally writing myself a permission slip that says I have the right to not know what I want from my life. And it’s effective this week especially as it’s Summer vacation and I want to be able to enjoy my expensive two night stay at the beach with the peace of mind of knowing , I don’t have to know.
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And, as always, Thanks to you for your visit.
Beautiful and perfect.
Yes Shalagh, so true. And its great that you allow yourself to not know (i’m going to borrow that from you because I’m there too – I have no idea what I want my life to be and its hard) so yes knowing others struggle too and sharing our own is a good idea.. sending hugs!
Your insta friend ilana
I am so glad that my struggle and cluelessness is giving others solace. That is so awesome. Thank you for reading and for your efforts to comment Ilana!