The word I chose for guidance in 2023 was Allow. I imagined this word could give me the extra encouragement l need in reaching out to the world with my creativity. Allow people to see and like and support and help me. Allow seems such a graceful form of permission.

But this week, I needed Allow to help me out in another way. I screwed up so badly that l was having a hard time forgiving myself. It felt that bad.

Last week, I had gone ahead and booked my son’s and my tickets for our Ireland trip in March. But I didn’t know what I was doing, and I thought I could change them. And when I finally found the travel agent I obviously had needed, she let me know I’d screwed it up, paid way too much, and there was no recouping my over two thousand dollar losses. l had been feeling nauseous about this for a reason. I then F-bombed in front of strangers and cried while I drove home.

I was just beginning to feel a little better coming out of my holiday of horror. But now I’d placed a dark mark on this wonderful trip with my son to celebrate him and his birthday/graduation.

Can I Allow Myself to Make Mistakes? on Shalavee,comI found myself in a regret and shame loop, trying desperately to Allow myself to be human and make this mistake. But this was the kind of mortification and shame that you’re happy to go to sleep to forget and then you wake up and remember. There’s something deeper at work here. I cried the next day when something else happened that stressed me out. I didn’t want to tell anyone how I’d messed up.

I was awaiting on these feelings to subside, wanting to remember the important difference between money and people. I was waiting to allow myself joy despite a costly mistake. Wanting to Allow myself to make this mistake.

I decided to call British Airways and see if there was anything they could possibly do to help me. My call led me to sales associate Karen in Durham in Northern England. Her accent was tending towards Scottish, and it made me feel better to hear her talk. And then I held my breath while she clickety clacked her keyboard. After she looked at my bookings, she said this never happens but somehow the flight I booked out of Ireland was completely refundable. And I held my breath as she changed my tickets to reflect a true round trip, a couple more days car, and refunded my very expensive mistake. Can I Allow Myself to Make Mistakes? on Shalavee,com

I cried again out of joy. Because I had made right what I was certain was unfixable.

I’d allowed myself the possibility that there was still hope. I had done everything I could.

All’s well that ends well ? Maybe, but I am suspicious of how I seem to regularly create chaos. Why does the lack of money feel like an integral issue for me? Why haven’t I touched base with my former therapist to have a catch-up chat?

Meanwhile, my soul is clean. By whatever miracle, the Universe gifted me another chance to do this trip right and enjoy myself. I will not squander it. And hopefully, all mistakes I make around this trip won’t be as heinous as this one and I’ll laugh at them and know how insignificant they are comparatively.

If only our passports would get here.


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  1. (I’m guessing this is my first blog comment in 10 years?!) I just recently found you. I’m on a similar journey. Anyways, I had to tell you that I’m so proud of you, well done. Keep going. I’m right beside you cheering you on.

    • Wow Caroline!
      First, I am so proud that I was the one who teased out a blog comment after 10 years! But also, so tickled at your kindness. I have been standing alone in this corner of the internet for so long, having company makes it real again. If you were at my real door, I’d invite you in and make a cup of tea, or coffee, and I’d ask you about your story. Because that’s where the real stuff lives.
      Thank you!

  2. I think stories we tell ourselves about money are the hardest to change because no one wants to talk about their money issues or their money mistakes – especially when they are our age (55) and everyone thinks you should know it all when it comes to money when you’re as old as we are. The fact of the matter is that I came from a family where both of my parents were very poor at managing money and anything I’ve learned, I’ve learned on my own, or by running my thoughts past my baby brother because he’s the most successful of all of us in terms of changing his money story.

    I’m working on my own finances this year and also focusing on abundance to expand my side gig along with my full time job.

    • Yes Paula, I agree that we don’t talk about these issues because there’s shame or we don’t think we have a problem. And this can go for a lot of our sensitive subject topics. Lucky for you, you have that brother for a little trust and help.
      Thank you for subscribing to my blog! I hope you got a welcome letter?
      It inspires me to know you are out there and have read something that made you think, Me too!

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