I am continuing the story of the siege I suffered of negative thinking recently that left me debilitated. The kind of attack that you are not ready for. An apocalypse from within. And I was powerless for a month as the waves of self-hatred and bullying just kept coming in. I was a loser and there was no hope apparently.
Everything happens for a reason. I went through it possibly to declare that THAT IS THE VERY LAST TIME THAT WILL EVER HAPPEN. Revelations have poured forth after my recuperative period. I’d assuredly never bully anyone else like that or I would never have friends , so how is it acceptable to do it to myself? The opposite of this bullying is Self-Compassion and self-care. And I am ready to load up on deep amounts of this if it will help me never go here again.
I began again to search for an understanding about where my wires are crossed, what it is I need to focus on, and what are my strengths as well as my confusions. And here’s what I discovered.
That there needs to be a separation between my child who wants to play and create and contribute to my life from the adult me who makes important decisions about work and life purpose. My inner child was asked to do some heavy lifting when she was little. And it’s my job to assure her she no longer needs to do that. She will be safe. Do I trust myself to take care of myself? I’d like to.
I also discovered that “I can’t” means there’s no hope. That your lack of faith in your own ability genuinely then guarantees you will not try to create what you believe is an impossibility. And that feels like prison. So instead of building a prison, I’d like to build a fortress against these rampant terrifying zombie thoughts that wear me down and then eat my brains. I’d like to come up with a massive quantity of resources to draw from when my brain starts to play tricks on me. And build the foundation of faith in my ability to handle what happens to me so that the fortress just strengthens itself as it’s tested.
I am endeavoring to have the skills and enough the mindfulness to pull out and see the siege as a sabotage by my reptilian fear brain. I can then stay the course as I deal with the lies that beat at my soul’s battlements and not give up on everything I’m dreaming and working on. I am stronger than I know, further than I think, and have a higher purpose than I once thought. And I’d like to think I’m smarter than these little tricks my brain likes to play on me about my value.
What part of this resonates with you ? Do you submit to fearful thoughts or battle the bastards like the brain sucking zombies that they are?
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I think the raising of Fiona will provide you with another childhood. The process has started . First step was washing you so to speak , to get you shiny . Once the exfoliation has completed will your skin be ready to share the wonderment that is Fiona’s reality. Life is a circle , amazing really
I just wrote a post on the privilege of having children to get your priorities straight about you! I am cleaning and clearing my soul, yes, I agree. Thank you for your support Melissa.
I love this post — and Melissa’s comment. It’s an emotional day; I keep crying. Soul cleansing, soothing that little girl inside.
I like to think the grieving is also necessary Tamara. I think I’m due up for some myself. Release that little gal from the guilt of her inability to catty all that responsibility. Thank you!
Children are such a gift and amazing teachers too. We can feel their pure joy, be creative with them and around them, but also feel that we are there for them, a protector, a teacher, a parent. That helps make us whole also. The brain eaters can just go away. No one needs them. I know easier said than done. Sometimes they are gone and sometimes they are just creeping in the shadows ready to pounce. Saying it out load, writing it down, posting, and creating gets you one step forward to being whole and not the bully in your head. Just know you are on the right path, Thank you for your posts, they really resonate with me and I can relate with my own zombies. Have a beautiful day!
I am so very glad to have responded to my lesson here Allie and processed it in your words. Thank you always for your acknowledgement .