I am continuing the story of the siege I suffered of negative thinking recently that left me debilitated. The kind of attack that you are not ready for. An apocalypse from within. And I was powerless for a month as the waves of self-hatred and bullying just kept coming in. I was a loser and there was no hope apparently.
Everything happens for a reason. I went through it possibly to declare that THAT IS THE VERY LAST TIME THAT WILL EVER HAPPEN. Revelations have poured forth after my recuperative period. I’d assuredly never bully anyone else like that or I would never have friends , so how is it acceptable to do it to myself? The opposite of this bullying is Self-Compassion and self-care. And I am ready to load up on deep amounts of this if it will help me never go here again.
I began again to search for an understanding about where my wires are crossed, what it is I need to focus on, and what are my strengths as well as my confusions. And here’s what I discovered.
That there needs to be a separation between my child who wants to play and create and contribute to my life from the adult me who makes important decisions about work and life purpose. My inner child was asked to do some heavy lifting when she was little. And it’s my job to assure her she no longer needs to do that. She will be safe. Do I trust myself to take care of myself? I’d like to.
I also discovered that “I can’t” means there’s no hope. That your lack of faith in your own ability genuinely then guarantees you will not try to create what you believe is an impossibility. And that feels like prison. So instead of building a prison, I’d like to build a fortress against these rampant terrifying zombie thoughts that wear me down and then eat my brains. I’d like to come up with a massive quantity of resources to draw from when my brain starts to play tricks on me. And build the foundation of faith in my ability to handle what happens to me so that the fortress just strengthens itself as it’s tested.
I am endeavoring to have the skills and enough the mindfulness to pull out and see the siege as a sabotage by my reptilian fear brain. I can then stay the course as I deal with the lies that beat at my soul’s battlements and not give up on everything I’m dreaming and working on. I am stronger than I know, further than I think, and have a higher purpose than I once thought. And I’d like to think I’m smarter than these little tricks my brain likes to play on me about my value.
What part of this resonates with you ? Do you submit to fearful thoughts or battle the bastards like the brain sucking zombies that they are?
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